Seeing Red

Ok, I might be going through an identity crisis with this new baby thing. Some might see it as acting out, as searching, as reaching - but I prefer to interpret my actions as brave.

That's right. BRAVE.

Finally, at 41 years old and after having a major mortality-checking life event shake all the cobwebs out down to my core, I feel BRAVE. Bold. Daring. Strong. Spunky!

And lately, every time something small happens that makes me ultra-aware of my own fragility, well, I just remind myself that I am still in control. That God molded me as a creative individual with free will and a free spirit, and as long as my spirit dwells in his (and remember that...ahem...HE is REALLY in control here) - then he's cool with expression!

OK, I'm reaching there. What I wanted to voice this time was red. Poetic as it might seem, one thing just led to another...

REPRODUCTION for Dummies

How did I get to be this age...that being, apparently, the age where my chances of naturally becoming pregnant is at a whopping 9%...without knowing how desperate my situation has become?

I attended a frighteningly informative seminar sponsored by the Reproductive Resource Center. Amidst young couples almost bursting with excitement and women who had solid reasons for having trouble making babies, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. The fact that I have had "unexplained infertility" for, at the very least, the last 17 years of my life - does not give me a happy prognosis. If I had only started this process even just 5 years ago, I wouldn't have to make such immediate and hard decisions about our future.

To remain childless or somehow finance $30K - that is know what it is down to.

As an only child of divorced parents, I have always had this sense of being alone. Sometimes, this feels like loneliness. Quite selfishly, I thought that starting my OWN family would fill that void with a real bond - a real bloodline connection - to another precious life. I know that I would be a great mom rivaled only by the greatness of Todd being a dad. I never thought I would be one of those women who became overwhelmed by the unlikelihood of that experience...until it hit me this morning during an emotional and open discussion of the facts as they were presented to me.

I know our options - but they are just not options for us at this time. Unfortunately - time is not a thing that we have anymore.

Inspired by Robins

Spring defines the birth of new beginnings.

One comforting memory is my mother's yearly excitement as she would point out to me the first robin of the season. Her eyes would sparkle and we would anxiously and vigilantly wait for the first glance of those amazing blue eggs. Perfect with each one uniquely speckled. As I grew older, she still sometimes calls, "Spring is here! I just saw my first robin!"

Today, as I watch fat little robins waddle through my yard, busy in loving preparation for mommyhood - I am reminded of my own natural urge to nest. While the instinct of nesting is common in women who are pregnant to full term, some of us are hard-wired to bustle about looking for the next home project at any given point in our lives. I am one of those people.

Like a bird without a tree during the renovation of our house that has taken over a year to complete, I find my creative juices stifled and my sense of security often on the edge. As a self proclaimed homebody, decorating it is how I express myself - currently a hunger that goes unfed! My storage space (and my neighbors garage) is a collection full of art and furniture I hope to soon reveal; things for my new kitchen, dining and living room with no idea how any of it will match. An eclectic little collage of things I love....for every room except a nursery.

Our modest house is basically now a bedroom and a half since restructuring the old floor plan. When guests stop by to see our building progress, I present the smallest room as my office.....or nursery my voice will trail. I try to avoid letting my brain go there. I do not want to set myself up for heartbreak - creating the baby room of my dreams with no signs of baby-to-be. But the nester inside me does not always keep those wanderings at bay.

..and so I am inspired by the robin and her eggs. I love the metaphor as I also prepare a home with love in shades of blues, greens, browns and taupe. As I flip through magazine clippings in my worn "Inspiration Folder" I see reference of this color and hints of 'bird style' with a modern twist. My own teal dishes and accents begging to come out of the closet to help me hearken the warm weather to brighten my day.

So as I decorate my "office" I will keep these things in mind and cautiously create a space that can easily convert into a nursery. ;)



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