I attended a frighteningly informative seminar sponsored by the Reproductive Resource Center. Amidst young couples almost bursting with excitement and women who had solid reasons for having trouble making babies, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. The fact that I have had "unexplained infertility" for, at the very least, the last 17 years of my life - does not give me a happy prognosis. If I had only started this process even just 5 years ago, I wouldn't have to make such immediate and hard decisions about our future.
To remain childless or somehow finance $30K - that is know what it is down to.
As an only child of divorced parents, I have always had this sense of being alone. Sometimes, this feels like loneliness. Quite selfishly, I thought that starting my OWN family would fill that void with a real bond - a real bloodline connection - to another precious life. I know that I would be a great mom rivaled only by the greatness of Todd being a dad. I never thought I would be one of those women who became overwhelmed by the unlikelihood of that experience...until it hit me this morning during an emotional and open discussion of the facts as they were presented to me.
I know our options - but they are just not options for us at this time. Unfortunately - time is not a thing that we have anymore.
What does Mucinex have to do with makin' babies? Funny you should ask!
Since my diagnosis of producing concrete, the remedy has been prescribed as Mucinex (not the DM) taken twice daily. It thins out the mucus when you have a head cold - why not your cervix I suppose!
The outcome? Holy rubber wet suit, Batman!
I have to admit I was skeptical. But I have now been shown the light. Given the issues post intercourse I described in yesterday's post, I was just under the impression THAT was the normal. I have been loving this! No more problems before or after the deed. Does it sound weird that I FEEL more fertile? LOL. And no more do I seem to feel 'not in the mood'. I may be forming a serious addiction to this new found over-the-counter miracle drug. It's the best little blue pill ever!
My job is easy now. I purchase a daily ovulation kit and take it from there. My witch doctor described optimal positions and methods to encourage our little swimmers to find the end of the rainbow. It could get quite hilarious on the home front this month.
I have no proof, though I tried to get answers at the time. I did not miss my period. In fact, most things were regular despite being a few more days late than typical for me. My cycles are very short and this one probably would have been considered average for many being at just about 34 days. I woke up on a Saturday morning with more pain than usual and was complaining because my normal 3 days was turning into 6 days. I knew something was odd that day with some weird spotting and discoloration, but didn't think much of it after tossing back a handful of Midol and going back to bed.
Todd had kissed me goodbye before leaving for work or golf or something that morning. When I finally got my lazy self out of bed and into the shower, my stomach felt a bit nauseous and I became light headed. Enough to make me take pause and brace myself against the wall. (If you have a light stomach yourself, you might want to skip down to the end!) A small 'chunk' came out of me, for lack of a better word. I picked it up and rinsed it off. VERY strange. About 2-3 inches long, solid by very pliable, curved, having a cloudy transparency with just a bunch of 'strings' or membranes hanging or growing from it. Almost a tail-like ending. This was not your common clot or debris.
Now I am no doctor and I am too dumb to be scared. I was actually excited and just had a feeling. I called my mom to get her opinion and she told me to keep it in a ziploc bag and call the doctor on Monday. So I did.
Liberty Clinic. Dr. Christine Nadeau. Her office full of photos of her first baby from which she had recently returned to work after maternity leave. A few more Polaroids stuck to the cabinets of babies she had helped deliver. When it was my turn, she not only would not look at the contents in my baggie, she laughed in an uncomfortable disgust and asked me to throw it in the trash next to her. Nothing more. No clinical explanation or suggestion that 'chunks' were normal.
Now I am not an overly dramatic person and I keep my reactions and feelings inside to a fault when something greatly upsets me. I thought it was weird, too, for taking in a saved unknown specimen like a kindergarten show-n-tell! I almost cancelled the appointment twice! I was embarassed to be sitting there, but never expected my doctor to make me feel even worse.
I had spent the last two days contemplating the thought of starting a family and was ready to move forward. My husband had always been ready. So when I could finally find my own voice, I asked her if there were any tests she could give me or anybody she could recommend that may specialize in fertility. She ordered her nurse to give me a pregnancy test and send me to the referral desk. My blood test came back inconclusive.
I believe this gives me hope.
I lucked out when my finger landed on her name as the meeny to my miney-mo from a list of network providers. Her name is Patricia Mooney-Smith at Heartland Women's Clinic in the NKC Pavillion.
During our first meeting, she glided into my room and the energy around her immediately changed. Her eyes lit up when she spoke. And she she listened - REALLY listened and became increasingly and genuinely excited as I explained to her why I was there. I have convinced myself that it was my circumstance and not the exam she was about to perform that aroused her so.
Once on the gurney with my feet placed stragically aligned to the Betty Boop foot straps - all spread eagle and talking about the warm weather that day like it was the most natural thing to do in front of a total stranger - she exclaimed, "You have a magnificent uterus!". Wow. I may not have fame or fortune in my life, but I have a MAGNIFICENT uterus. It's something I suppose.
Once back in my street clothes and ironically feeling more exposed than ever, she reported all the clinical things to which she is required and gave me orders for testing and explained what each one was for. She then reached over and touched my my hand with pause. "I want to ask you to hang with me for the next three months. We will figure this out together and I want to head into this with all the ammunition I have. Will you hang with me?".
She is also magnificent.
