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18 September 2010

Gone and Back Again

My husband left me last week.

If you have followed my path this year, you know just how pathetic I have been.  Ironically, it's times like these that make you stronger; that make you look inside yourself - dig deep into the heart of the matter where you find your guts and hopefully your glory.  The process is a pretty self absorbed one.

I have been so selfish in fact, that I hadn't noticed that he was also sad.  A man of little words - I failed to see the actions.  I didn't realize that with every hit I was taking, it was also affecting him.  I didn't see that I had been plowing through without him.  I had invited him along but then didn't really care when he did not follow - and certainly didn't expect him to lead.  I had relied on myself and my faith...but never on him...even though my empty soul was aching to do so.  I missed him.  He missed me.  We were always RIGHT THERE.

Funny how that happens.  When you need the exact same thing from somebody that they need from you.  But neither of you know how to get it. So you go outside of things.  You delve into what's new - what you can control - escape outside of yourself in a struggle to FIND yourself.

We have never been a terribly connected couple, never a real team.  We are both loners and independent - stubborn and generally confident; until it comes to each other.  We have been through horribly rough times in our marriage before.  We drift apart and then drift away and somehow we always find our way back.  We have hurt each other badly.  We have forgiven each other thoroughly.  He is a generally content person with broad shoulders and a big heart with no expectations of the future and no plans towards it.  I am the rollercoaster that bears the smile and the responsibility with very definite ideas of where I wanted to be by now and a lost vision for the future.

He came back.  We talked.  I'm glad.

12 September 2010

Going and going and going...and going

I haven't been here for some time.  You may have wondered where I have been.  I, on the other hand, wonder where I am going...

Between finding my dad - then losing him again, losing a vehicle and almost losing a life - and definately losing my mind, losing a job, losing one chance to have a baby, losing a grandma and then losing a sense of connection to my other family through some recent tragedy within it; the thing I have held onto for dear life is a sense of healthy perspective. The reality is that it could always be worse.

I remind myself often of how blessed I am and to stop being so damn whiny about the rest; to have a roof over my head even though it is still only 1/2 done, to have a mother that loves me although we typically only talk about once every 10 days, to have found a job even though I earn 1/2 of what I did, to have my health through unorganized thoughts and memory loss -  not to mention this KILLER knot on my head and to have my whole life ahead of me despite feeling that time for so much that I want for has run out. 

So why am I so stuck?  Why does every morning start off as a struggle just to get out of bed?  Why is every drive home so somber?  Why does every new song I discover feel like it was written out of my heart's sad diary?  Why does every evening seem so empty and every sleepless night feel so lonely?  How selfish must I be to think I have any right to be so indulgent when there are REAL issues and REAL sadness in this world?  Get up and DO SOMETHING about it all!  Get up and DO something for charity!  Get GOING and DO something HAPPY for the WORLD!

But I can't right now.  So I keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  I keep praying - and thanking sincerely for each day I do keep going; and pray for those who have it so much worse than me.  I will keep going even with no real direction - because that is what I am supposed to do, what I am required to do, what I have to do.  I am going out of habit; out of that sweet, sweet familiarity of movement.  I am going through the motions. 

..and one day I will finally wake up out of my fog and find that I have arrived in the place that I am supposed to be.
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