Blessings in Disguise

I've been quiet. Far too distant. Retreating into my broken heart. Selfish. Healing. Broke. Alone.

We were so sure that our little firework was a keeper. We had committed to three IUIs and this would be our charm. I prayed earnestly and with excitement. But it again, was not His will.

And so I've been going through the motions every since.

Wake up. Work. Smile. Sleep - a lot. Repeat.

It wasn't too long ago that I was on the brink of where I now stand. When a happy song made me turn the channel. When I resented the successes of others. When I allowed my heart to go cold.

My husband, my rock with whom I lean on so heavily, also seems to be in a dark place.

Wake up. Work. No smile. Sleep - barely. Repeat.

With other stresses in our lives continuing to mound up to unsurpassable heights, there is a great divide between us - just waiting for the avalanche. One thing we do know, we are solid and refuse to crumble, even when you can feel the weight in the air breathed between us.

I still talk to God. I know he is with me now and has never left my side. I mostly don't know what to say, but he's worked on me so hard in the past year and I'm not about to let what's built of our relationship thus far slide. But honestly, I'm not allowing him to push me forward.

I only discovered Family Life Radio a few months ago and have found I can find the words to pray through music. Like a Hallmark card that says all the things you wished you could say. And like the isles of the card shop, I find myself pilfering through the racks to pull myself through a rollercoaster of emotions.

Some songs I put back. Some I keep. Some I think I'll remember. Most I forget. 

One such song is "Blessings" (by Laura Story). I heard it 4 days ago and it brought me to my knees. I only listen to the radio in my car and since I work from home, I'm not often driving. The mere fact that I was in my car this day is by God's grace after receiving a call from my husband that his brakes had seized on his way home from work, and could I come pick him up.

"...We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from your word is not enough. And all the while, you hear each desperate plea. And long that we'd have faith to just believe..."

I've come to recognize that tugging on my heart, those waterworks. I literally pulled to the side of the road, got out of the car, and knelt down beside it - a short wretched cry and a thanks. Then got back in my car and picked up my husband in silence.

I had good intentions of looking up the song later. Of downloading it and of looking up the lyrics. But then I slept. Woke up. Worked. Repeat.

It wasn't until a day after that, someone had posted a message on Facebook about seeing the blessings in those events that appear to be against us or in punishment. And only then did it hit me - me of all people, whom has been scooped up by angels off the highway of near-death before - that what seems like just another expensive inconvenience might very well be another miracle. You see, we had known there was a rumbling in the front wheels for some time and my husband had gone to a mechanic for the bad news on a price quote to fix it just days before. Knowing we didn't have the money for immediate repairs and that he wouldn't stop driving the heap, God stopped him before he got on the highway where the damage may have cost us far more.

"...What if your blessings come through rain drops. What if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise..." 

Blessings.

A day later, I was surfing mindlessly on my Instagram feed when I saw a post that caught my eye from my own company, Nerium International. I clicked on the woman tagged and was led to her blog. A fellow Brand Partner, I watched her video story, closed my phone, put it down and walked away. Or so I thought.

A song began to play from my phone, now laying face-down on my counter. I listened without picking it up. It was this song. My song. It was 'Blessings'.

I was led there, in that small moment, to be reminded of God and of his blessings, working in mysterious ways through this kind soul. To bring me BACK to my knees, where he had been missing my own soul.

I felt compelled to email Jessica and thank her for her beautiful voice, her beautiful gift to my beautifully messy heart and her beautiful rendition of this song. Her reply was that she had also been praying - that God would "open some big doors with Nerium" through which to continue to "share His goodness and give Him the glory". She said that my email was the first sign of an answered prayer, that God was showing her that "this really is happening!"

Blessings. In disguise. Who are we to question. Ever.

Have a blessed day!

 

Noah and the Great Flood

And so it was, in the beginning...

As the ultimate story of faith, sacrifice and hope began to unfold on the movie screen, so did the genesis of my emotional meltdown. Epic. Apocalyptic. And completely hormonal.

Let's back up a few days.

Bean

Bella (my 80 lb. German Shepherd) and I were playing lazily on the bed last Thursday night. She likes to talk (a lot), so it would be rude of me not to talk back. The conversation turned to me tugging at her poor teddy bear and telling her she needed a real baby to cuddle and protect.

"Belly-Bean need a Jelly-Bean?" I asked. That's one of my nicknames for her: Belly Bean or just Bean.

From then on, I couldn't get it out of my mind. While I miss my Nugget, I'm ready to try for Jelly Bean.

Going BIG or Going Home

My husband, Todd, and I met in 1992. He was just home from the Navy and I was home for college summer break. He persistently (and thankfully!) pursued me until we married in a sweet ceremony in my grandparents' backyard 7 years later. Never taking measures to prevent starting a family, we also hadn't made it a priority. Add even more years onto our history, my biological clock was definitely ticking, so we scheduled our first appointment with a doctor and began our journey into parenthood. 

Soon afterwards, I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We were given options, and decided to start in vetro fertilization. After months of tests and physically, spiritually, mentally and financially preparing, I unexpectedly lost my 6-figure income and work-from-home job. Without the funds to continue our current path, I saw this as a sign that maybe children weren't in God’s plan. So I moved forward in life with a little bit of my heart left behind.

I found a new corporate gig that allowed me to bury myself back into 10-12 hour days working with challenging projects that I loved. My hard work was rewarded by quick promotions directing a scrappy marketing team from brand awareness to the sale of the company. With a few corporate wins under my belt and resources coming in from our new parent company, I found time to breathe and revisit my family situation. I was told by doctors that my window of opportunity was closed and the only option for in vetro, at my age, was to now accept a donor egg. 

(PSA: I interrupt my own story to encourage anyone experiencing infertility to PLEASE do your own research and get multiple opinions from referred and trusted doctors!)

My husband wasn’t comfortable with this idea...or any idea that produced a child not 100% of both our DNA. And so I started, again, down the road of grieving the loss of never having kiddos of my own; mourning over babies I would never get to meet.

Months later, my husband and I went to see the movie “We Bought a Zoo” about a dad trying to cope with raising his children after the death of his wife. One scene flashed back to a memory of the entire family on the beach one happy day. I felt my chair and my arm shake. When I looked over to see what was happening, I found my husband weeping uncontrollably. In this breakthrough moment, he apologized (needlessly so!) for being an obstacle in my dreams of a family and told me he was ready to consider adoption. He told me he wanted kids.

WOAH! I had already put that part of my life behind me! He was asking me to dig back into my now hardened heart to find the courage and hope and desire and…

..and so we started again. We found an agency that we loved and poured over heavy folders of information and exhausting paperwork. In the meantime, my job had become increasingly stressful with reorganizations and shifts in culture. I had committed myself to at least 2 more years in order to maintain the stability required by the courts to process our impending adoptions plans. Simutaneously, Todd had been presented with an opportunity to join Nerium International as a way to earn more money. He signed up, we researched other financing and scheduled an appointment with a lawyer and a banker. 

This had become our “WHY”.

I went to work a day before those appointments feeling AMAZING. You see, I had founded an employee-driven corporate responsibility initiative that had finally gained HUGE momentum and blossomed into a robust community outreach program - today was our in-house blood drive and our participation numbers were off the chart! The sea of teal staff volunteer t-shirts took my breath away as I walked into our make-shift clinic.

Then, at 5pm, suddenly and without warning, I was called into the president's office where I was relieved of my executive position. The meeting took all of 15 minutes. There was a lot of talk, some options and decisions, a piece of paper to sign and barely a wave goodbye. I’m sure I said something back and I know I drove myself home, but the news launched a black-out period that lasted several weeks.

Twice I had been on the verge of having a family complete with children. Twice I had been financially shut down. What was God trying to tell me here?!?!? What clues had I been missing?!?!? 

Had God not gotten the memo about my “WHY”?!??!

As I lay in bed, I remembered that my husband had ‘this Nerium thing’ on the side. I knew I should take a closer look and get to work..but I just couldn’t lift myself out of the darkness. What I could lift were my hands, and my hands had wrapped themselves around a book called The Slight Edge. I was tired of TV and even more sick of the voices in my own head. So I read.

I read. I started eating right. I started to run. I started taking calls again. I went to a few Nerium meetings. Still, not having the heart to dive in, Todd and I attended the Dallas Fall Bash. Partly to see what it was that we had in the business. Mostly just to get away.

With my wall still up and my head in a million other places than in the moment, I sat among 10,000 of the most positive people in the world - yet still felt all alone in the big state of Texas. I had listened to Mark Smith talk about finding your “WHY” and it tugged at my heart a bit, to which I promptly crossed my arms over my body in a decidedly defensive move. Negativity quickly took over my mind and told me, "Gina, you have taken all the “Purpose Driven Life” classes, you are in touch with your spirituality and yourself. Nobody knows like you know...that... know...that...

'WHY' SUCKS."

My thoughts were then interrupted as the lights dimmed to cue a new session. A video began to play on the many large screens and through the loudspeakers around room, blanketing my senses with its message. I began to get lost; lost in the words, lost in the stories, lost in a presentation about Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was moved. My eyes began to water. I reached my hand over to grab Todd's for reassurance...and realized that he, too, was crying. He asked me if I wanted to be a Big. I said yes! We were going big...or going home!

When we returned to Kansas City, I immediately contacted BBBSKC and started our paperwork to become Bigs. I had visions of a little mini-me who loved unicorns and pedicures; we would be inseparable and I would teach her so much. But we learned that there are over 500 Littles-in-waiting (more than our area had ever handled) and that there were far more boys in need than girls.  By signing up as a couple, I lost my preference of being matched with a girl. Totally bummed at first, I had a feeling that things were going according to a higher plan.

The process was easy and we were warned that it might take weeks or even months to find the perfect match. When presented with a handful of profiles, it was love at first written sight. Zachary was described as very active 7 year old, funny, a tree climber - with ADHD and anger issues - as the only male with his mother, grandmother and two sisters. We were warned that it was a tough case. But this was our little dude, I knew it in my heart!  

Todd & Gina meet Zachary!

Upon meeting the family, we knew we had made the right choice. He took to us quickly and was very social. While at their home, I noticed a waif-of-a-girl hiding behind the door from a back bedroom. As we headed out to our first outing, Zach asked, "Can Hannah come?!?" About that time, the tiny girl came running out and held his arm, peeking behind him with pleading eyes. We were told it was his sister - that she was very attached to him but that he was very independent of her. Of course we said yes.

Hannah was painfully shy and didn’t join us in any fun at first, but quickly warmed up. After the 2nd week of joining us and Zach already planning our 3rd as a group, we knew we may have a problem. We felt like we were failing Z-man by not giving him some much needed one-on-one attention, but watched as HE never failed to thoughtfully include his other half. We had decided to approach our case manager and ask for advice in talking to the kids about separation. 

Three become Four!

She beat us to the punch, as Hannah had been found a Big Sister match that she was not taking it well at all. We were told that Hannah doesn’t attach easily to other adults and that she had done so with us. I secretly could NOT have been MORE excited when they asked if we were willing to update our volunteer status. Who knew - we were having twins!

One time, we were cooking dinner with the twins. In 22 years together, Todd and I had never spent time in the kitchen together - let alone eaten in the dining room. As we arranged the table and began to pass out garlic bread to accompany our gourmet spaghetti meal, Zachary stopped our bustling and asked if he could say grace before we ate. He told us that he had never done it before, but that it just 'felt right'. So we all held hands and there, in the most common of days, my house became a home through the voice of a little...and my own heart healed just a 'little' more.

What started out as a way to fill a void in our lives has given us the opportunity to fill the voids in these kids' lives in ways we never could have imagined. We give so little time, but get back so much: In every moment we get to spend with them, with every fundraiser we champion on their behalf and every event we are blessed to share our story, with every Nerium University they attend with us and dream board they make alongside our team - they not only got US...but 10,000 of the most positive people in all the world. NERIUM is making an impact on ALL our lives!

The funny thing about finding your “WHY”....it changes. It changes because what you thought was your why in your head had not yet made it to your heart. Because, like Mark Smith had tried to tell me that day, I didn’t know! He tried to tell me that you’re WHY was the thing that you punched in the gut, that thing that drove you to be a better person and at the time, I was too stuck in a past of feeling beat up. Your WHY changes, because YOU change.

While this WHY hasn't translated to financial success for my business, I feel it...in my entire being...that I am meant for this thing: for Big Brothers Big Sisters + Nerium International. This thing that is making a better person. This thing that is so much ‘bigger’ than my ‘little’ self. This thing that has rippled beyond me, beyond my husband, beyond my twins..but continues to give back in unexpected and transcending ways. In the way that I now see how people and events have been serendipitously placed in my journey shining light on the path ahead. 

My Mr. Big (Heart)

I wasn't kidding when I said that my husband has a big heart.

It is as big and strong on the inside as he is on the outside; but last Sunday, it started hurting him while helping an 80 year young lady to her chair at the hospital - a sharp pain that dropped all 6'4" of him down to his knees and took his breath away.  As far as places of employment go, the hospital is a convenient place to be in times of emergency.  Tests were ran and guesses were made and he was sent home later that day.

On Thursday, it happened again - and bought him an overnight stay.  We found out that his heart was in Atrial fibrillation (a-fib), the most common form of cardiac arrhythmia.  In itself, it is not life-threatening as your body will give itself a kick start back into normal heart rate; however, it was cause for concern when 8 hours and 1 dose of medicine later he had still not normalized.  Risk of stroke is 7 times more likely for those suffering from a-fib and during extended periods of irregular heart rate is when it strikes.

I will not even allow myself to think of this.

The doctor says his prognosis is now good.  He will monitor and medicate and learn the physical tell-tale signs of future episodes.  He is to live the way he always has; it's the only way the doctors know what is working.  So he is playing basketball now, like he does every Sunday.  He will stay up late doing our laundry like he does every Sunday night, waking up early to run to Starbucks with me before I go to work (a habit we started on his day off when I still worked from home).  He will workout every day after work.  He will do all the heavy lifting between us in the household and in his soul.

He is my rock.  My Mr. Big.  Bigger than Ever.

B is for BABY (and an unrelated FLIP OFF!)

I got this adorable thank you card from my husband's cousin about to pop in Florida.  It was so cute I had to share!  I'm pretty sure she had no idea it fit my blog theme so well - but I like to think it is JUST for me ;)  THANKS for the THANK YOU! 

Now onto my rant...

When you are trying to have a baby - EVERYBODY else is pregnant but you.  It's like when you buy a new car and then realize that EVERYBODY else drives exactly that same one the first time you take it out. 

Of course I am happy for those women.  But my own stomach churns with envy.  Then I just feel guilty for being jealous.  

So today, I am joining in my first FRIDAY FLIP-OFF.  

BIG THANKS to KludgyMom for cracking me UP..and for Honesty for leading me to her FFs!

1.  BIG F-ing FLIP OFF to MYSELF for being such a lame-o when it comes to the above.

2.  Flip the Flip OFF to losing my F-ing job this week.  What the FREAK?!??!!

3.  Here's a big one to the hubby.  That's right.  You FLIPPIN' FLIP - for going to finish your tattoo..and for taking a 1/2 day off...and for going to play golf with your buddies last week and again this week.  Who's your new sugar momma, dude?!?!?  All the while my closet doors are still not hung and the trim on my siding is still tripping me in the garage! 

4. And lastly, FLIP OFF to gray hair.  Course and crazy and with a mind of its own.  You don't even FLIP yourself anymore - all limp and dried up.  You have disappointed me with your unruly behavior and for taking over the rest of my head.  YOU are fired next - I will replace you with a new brilliant color from a box...and a new blingy hat!

AHHHHHHHHH.

That felt GOOD!

Project Baby Has Been Terminated

I lost my job.

Just like that.  Cutbacks. 

I got the call and was given notice with reasons and some other words said, but I didn't really catch it all.  My brain immediately went to, "Project Baby Has Been Termninated" - and stopped.

I have worked from home for this particular company for 4 1/2 years.  It was an honor to be recruited by the CEO; hand-picked out of a vast crowd of online advertising professionals.  I fell into the industry 7 years prior when I had made the decision to seek out a job that inspired me.  I stumbled across a new local start-up that was expanding at an incredible rate.  I applied for a customer service position through an online job listing.  The internet was still in its infancy and keyword cataloging for search had not yet been fully developed, but my research on the business and its owner pulled news articles from coast to coast. He was apparently kind-of a big deal!  His success started while still in high school as the creator of an entertainment gaming website, driving more traffic to it through this wild and untamed frontier of the worldwide web than any other.  I interviewed with the young owner/entrepreneur at a Starbucks as the offices were still under construction.  While I am no genius, I could grasp the concepts and the mind blowing potential they held - and I was excited.

I was quickly promoted and continued to move both upwards and laterally and through a strategic company split 4 times, soaking up experience and knowledge into all aspects of the business.  I thrived in the collaborative work environment where I met some of my favorite friends and worked side-by-side with some of the top developers and forward thinkers known still today in the space.  Technological advancements and the evolution of the online space was, and continues to be, flying at the speed of light.  I now find myself having to clamor to stay in the game.

As with most job decisions, there comes a time when you hit a crossroads.  I was there.  Through management changes and company restructuring, I found myself alone, unhappy with my surroundings and restless to focus on simple things; things of the heart and the home.  My husband had returned to school after finally deciding on a career change himself, which left me tethered to my job as the bread winner. The Biological Clock Beast had, again, reared its ugly head.  I was good at my job but was dying to get out.  So I did.

There came a time that I had to replace it.  I loved my new one!  No more long daily commute, no more corporate BS or micro-managing!  I got to attend trade-shows again, some in cities I had never been!   I really LIKED who I was working for and with and was again inspired by the opportunity to seek new clients with an expanded base of services from which I could provide.  I am a hard worker and doing so from home actually made me MORE job-obsessed and more productive than being in an office full of distractions.  I consistently aimed high to meet and exceed not only my own personal sales goals, but also the core values of our performance review even before we had  them.  The personal sacrifices I made were great and I never took any of the minimum days allowed to heal from trauma or illness and not once even ate up my vacation days to the fullest (hindsight tells me unfortunately so).

I was again promoted through some regrettable turnover; however, it felt good that my peers had 'nominated' me to do so.  It felt even better that my boss agreed and was thrilled that I was interested.  I had my work cut out for me as the failing economy was starting to reflect on our business in so many ways and for so many reasons.  When times got tough I remained optimistic and flexible...even offering to cut my own salary in half for the benefit of the bigger picture.  My proposal was denied.  I had a great team and got to hire one more that remains as an asset to the company.  The others are no longer there for one reason or another.  The company has restructured.  It wasn't enough.  I am out.

I feel betrayed.  A bit lost.  A lot confused. 

I am a believer that all things happen for a reason.  I can't see it now.  I hope I do soon.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Bittersweet.

Sweet because I am so blessed to be having a birthday. Period.

Bitter because there is still no BIRTH DAY!

But if tomorrow never comes (queue up the sappy Garth strumming), I am complete; and I know that those I love KNOW that I love them.  I am so blessed to be turning 38 (there, I said it) when there are those that I have loved and knew it that did not get to see that day for themselves.  I am healthy in body and wealthy in soul.  

And I have ONE YEAR left to enjoy a REAL BIRTH DAY!

B is for: BABIES!

While the movie progressed a bit too slowly in some places to completely hold my attention for 80 minutes, anybody who has ever had one or loves the sound of their coos and even cries can't help but be enamored by "Babies". The cute factor alone had me at Goo Goo Ga Ga.

There is no commentary, no narration, no interruption, no real sense of time; just the day in and day out of the life as a baby from the mundane to the little victories and milestones. I almost stood in the theater and cheered when one of the little boys FINALLY stood by himself (behind all of the others) with the wind in his fuzzy (and big!) hair like the ruler of his own little grass hut kingdom. I wanted to yell out, "NAAACHOOOOOOO!!!!"









Some are surprised by the intimacy of the scenes and approximation of the cameras as they captured the very essence of familial life by following four babies from different parts of the world through their first 18 months. Some are shocked and feel the documentary exploits a global economic imbalance. Others comment on the lack of obvious similarities that all cultures and all mothers and all babies share; and the natural development and evolution thereof.

I, personally, did not need an outlined cheat sheet to connect-the-dots nor a talking GPS roadmap to fully enjoy the journey. I think the beauty was in the inference and the simplicity of it all and I remain comforted in the confirmation that all any of us ever need - from birth through adulthood really - to grow and reach within our own innate will to be happy and to survive; to find the BIG personalities in all of our LITTLE persons...is love.

Besides - baby cheeks just make me want to smile. How about you?

Big Baby

Talk about being a big BABY....

I returned home from some lunchtime errands today to three grown men huddled together in the middle of my unfinished family room (aka the garage) without any actual work being done towards the finishing of said room. My presence was not met with the usual kidding or showing off of a job completed for my supervisory inspection, but with deer-in-the-headlight looks.

"Steve cut his finger off", my father-in-law quickly fessed up.

"Oh, it's not cut completely off...just a little stinger", my dad tried to cover.

I must say I was impressed by the nursing efforts of them all. The finger was neatly and tightly wrapped with pads, gauze and tape from a real first aid kit (to which now I must go purchase...because I sure didn't have one on hand!). The Boy Scouts of America don't got nuttin' on these men! ;)

After pulling the gory details out of them like teeth, I talked my free labor into letting me take him to The Urgency Room. My sister-in-law works there and I assured him it was the best bet. Quickly ushered into an exam room, she began to unwrap the blood soaked appendage. Just as quickly she covered it back up and simple said "This is BAD."

Oh come on now. How bad can it be?, I thought. He didn't act like it hurt. He wasn't pale. Weren't they all just in my house swapping and comparing saw injury stories like they were hangnails? So despite the cowardly voice in my head, I stood up to take a peek.

UGH. Huge flap of skin flopped over to the side. OMG. Blood everywhere. EW. I think that was bone I just saw. I think I am getting light headed...ouch, my finger hurts...oh my, I need to sit back down.

The doctor came in and simply said, "Oh, this is BAD." Yeah, I could have told her that. He was referred to the nearest emergency room.

I drove my dad back to my house where so he could pick up his truck and go back to his own house to feed the horses and take care of the animals. HUH? Once he was safely out of sight, I quickly called my mother (whom I promised NOT to call) and tried not to panic her as only a child can do a mother. She also works for a family physician and so she directed him to her first. Thank goodness!

Her doctor took one look and said, "Wow, this is BAD." Hmmmmm....

So two other men, two nurses and two doctors and a wife later - his hand is now in the expert hands of an orthopedic surgeon. Pouting like a child, he was not too thrilled about having to be put completely under. Unfortunately, it looks like a skin graft is necessary (the original 'flap' didn't make it) and other tendons and things I prefer not to know about were severed - possibly beyond repair. I am so happy it was only a finger!!!

I think about the many scrapes, breaks, blood, puke and poop I am wishing upon myself to have a baby. I'd better watch more Operation TV if I'm going to desensitize myself. I didn't fare so well today!

Who's the BIG BABY now?!??!?

I Believe

I believe I was pregnant once.

I have no proof, though I tried to get answers at the time. I did not miss my period. In fact, most things were regular despite being a few more days late than typical for me. My cycles are very short and this one probably would have been considered average for many being at just about 34 days. I woke up on a Saturday morning with more pain than usual and was complaining because my normal 3 days was turning into 6 days. I knew something was odd that day with some weird spotting and discoloration, but didn't think much of it after tossing back a handful of Midol and going back to bed.

Todd had kissed me goodbye before leaving for work or golf or something that morning. When I finally got my lazy self out of bed and into the shower, my stomach felt a bit nauseous and I became light headed. Enough to make me take pause and brace myself against the wall. (If you have a light stomach yourself, you might want to skip down to the end!) A small 'chunk' came out of me, for lack of a better word. I picked it up and rinsed it off. VERY strange. About 2-3 inches long, solid by very pliable, curved, having a cloudy transparency with just a bunch of 'strings' or membranes hanging or growing from it. Almost a tail-like ending. This was not your common clot or debris.

Now I am no doctor and I am too dumb to be scared. I was actually excited and just had a feeling. I called my mom to get her opinion and she told me to keep it in a ziploc bag and call the doctor on Monday. So I did.

Liberty Clinic. Dr. Christine Nadeau. Her office full of photos of her first baby from which she had recently returned to work after maternity leave. A few more Polaroids stuck to the cabinets of babies she had helped deliver. When it was my turn, she not only would not look at the contents in my baggie, she laughed in an uncomfortable disgust and asked me to throw it in the trash next to her. Nothing more. No clinical explanation or suggestion that 'chunks' were normal.

Now I am not an overly dramatic person and I keep my reactions and feelings inside to a fault when something greatly upsets me. I thought it was weird, too, for taking in a saved unknown specimen like a kindergarten show-n-tell! I almost cancelled the appointment twice! I was embarassed to be sitting there, but never expected my doctor to make me feel even worse.

I had spent the last two days contemplating the thought of starting a family and was ready to move forward. My husband had always been ready. So when I could finally find my own voice, I asked her if there were any tests she could give me or anybody she could recommend that may specialize in fertility. She ordered her nurse to give me a pregnancy test and send me to the referral desk. My blood test came back inconclusive.

I believe this gives me hope.