I Believe

I believe I was pregnant once.

I have no proof, though I tried to get answers at the time. I did not miss my period. In fact, most things were regular despite being a few more days late than typical for me. My cycles are very short and this one probably would have been considered average for many being at just about 34 days. I woke up on a Saturday morning with more pain than usual and was complaining because my normal 3 days was turning into 6 days. I knew something was odd that day with some weird spotting and discoloration, but didn't think much of it after tossing back a handful of Midol and going back to bed.

Todd had kissed me goodbye before leaving for work or golf or something that morning. When I finally got my lazy self out of bed and into the shower, my stomach felt a bit nauseous and I became light headed. Enough to make me take pause and brace myself against the wall. (If you have a light stomach yourself, you might want to skip down to the end!) A small 'chunk' came out of me, for lack of a better word. I picked it up and rinsed it off. VERY strange. About 2-3 inches long, solid by very pliable, curved, having a cloudy transparency with just a bunch of 'strings' or membranes hanging or growing from it. Almost a tail-like ending. This was not your common clot or debris.

Now I am no doctor and I am too dumb to be scared. I was actually excited and just had a feeling. I called my mom to get her opinion and she told me to keep it in a ziploc bag and call the doctor on Monday. So I did.

Liberty Clinic. Dr. Christine Nadeau. Her office full of photos of her first baby from which she had recently returned to work after maternity leave. A few more Polaroids stuck to the cabinets of babies she had helped deliver. When it was my turn, she not only would not look at the contents in my baggie, she laughed in an uncomfortable disgust and asked me to throw it in the trash next to her. Nothing more. No clinical explanation or suggestion that 'chunks' were normal.

Now I am not an overly dramatic person and I keep my reactions and feelings inside to a fault when something greatly upsets me. I thought it was weird, too, for taking in a saved unknown specimen like a kindergarten show-n-tell! I almost cancelled the appointment twice! I was embarassed to be sitting there, but never expected my doctor to make me feel even worse.

I had spent the last two days contemplating the thought of starting a family and was ready to move forward. My husband had always been ready. So when I could finally find my own voice, I asked her if there were any tests she could give me or anybody she could recommend that may specialize in fertility. She ordered her nurse to give me a pregnancy test and send me to the referral desk. My blood test came back inconclusive.

I believe this gives me hope.