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08 March 2013

Getting Ahead of Myself

About this same time each month, I receive a Parents magazine; and every month is pisses me off.  It is subscribed in my name and bears my home address on its hateful little label, but I have no idea how or why I ever opted-in to receive such scornful taunting.  I have tried to call and cancel.  It keeps coming.  I pick it up and yell at it and throw it in the recycle bin as hard as I can.  Still, it keeps coming.  I have tried to bury it in the backyard, burn it...oh wait...no  I haven't - what kind of weirdo would do that...

*Ahem.

But something stopped me yesterday.  Something about the towhead toddler or the carefree mom, or maybe it was the bunny ears on the cover that forced me to immediately pause and take a closer look.  I carried it into the kitchen and casually tossed it on the counter with other gifts from the postman and went about my business.  Each time I walked by, pulling it a little further out from the bottom of the heap.  It teased me with it's hope and overwhelmed me with its knowledge.  I finally succumbed reading a few of the featured headlines and found myself wondering, "Hmmm...How DO you give your kids a time-out?"

Hold up.

I don't even know how to fill out adoption papers yet.  I don't have the faintest idea how to even properly warm a bottle or put in a car seat. 

This time, I walked politely over to the recycle bin and gently laid the magazine along the side to live out its last hours amongst the other paper until pick-up day.  This month, meeting Parents face to face wasn't all so bad.

07 March 2013

SUB-MIT

Submit. 

What a simple, perfectly symetrical little word.  As my mouse hovered over it, begging me to SUBMIT from my computer screen, I began to feel a bit...powerless.

Seeking to regain a sense of false control, I consulted Mr. Merriam and Dr. Webster.  Here's what they had to say:

sub-mit

transitive verb
1) a: to yield to governance or authority


   b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation
2): to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision; also: to deliver formally

3): to put forward as an opinion or contention
intransitive verb
1) a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another: surrender
   b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something
 
 2): to defer or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another 

...and there it was... 

Confirmation. Validation.  Affirmation.  Verification.
(ok, the thesaurus button was WAY too readily available here) 

SUBMIT was more than just the push of a cute little button.  More than a passive request.  More than a mere humble solicitation.  It was even more than first steps towards the potential of LIFE CHANGING EVENTS!!!  

It was to yield to another, to be subjected to be treated for a condition, to be judged by the opinion or authority of another, to defer consent.  By hitting submit, I lost all composure; symbolicly and literally.  Tears streaming down my face, I pondered this and after calling my husband at work like a lunatic - I lifted it up to God.  I  had followed my heart this far and now there it was, buried in all those synonyms and harsh descriptions...the thing that the heavens and the earth have been waiting on... 

Surrender
suh-ren-der

...and so I continued to complete the online request for consultation at a local adoption agency to where my research keeps leading.  But they only REALLY wanted to know one thing, and so I answered:
 
Q: What brings you to our office?

A: My husband and I are aching to be parents and fear that wehave waited too late in life.  While weare young at heart, those same hearts have grown way too big to fill with onlythe love we have for each other, our friends and family, our charities and otherpassions in life.  We have discussed andeven pursued other options, but recently have been pulled hard by the callingto adopt.   And with all the resourcesout there, we come to you surprisingly unprepared for both the tremendous anxiousanticipation of what might be...and the logistics of a solid plan ofaction.  I am drawn to, but fearful atthe same time, an open adoption on many levels and would like to find out moreabout that.  Together, we want to learnwhat type of adoption is a good fit for us, find out if we qualify, gainresources to help us with a financial and legal plan...and find hope. 

....and so I did it.  I hit submit.


 
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