Going and going and going...and going

I haven't been here for some time.  You may have wondered where I have been.  I, on the other hand, wonder where I am going...

Between finding my dad - then losing him again, losing a vehicle and almost losing a life - and definately losing my mind, losing a job, losing one chance to have a baby, losing a grandma and then losing a sense of connection to my other family through some recent tragedy within it; the thing I have held onto for dear life is a sense of healthy perspective. The reality is that it could always be worse.

I remind myself often of how blessed I am and to stop being so damn whiny about the rest; to have a roof over my head even though it is still only 1/2 done, to have a mother that loves me although we typically only talk about once every 10 days, to have found a job even though I earn 1/2 of what I did, to have my health through unorganized thoughts and memory loss -  not to mention this KILLER knot on my head and to have my whole life ahead of me despite feeling that time for so much that I want for has run out. 

So why am I so stuck?  Why does every morning start off as a struggle just to get out of bed?  Why is every drive home so somber?  Why does every new song I discover feel like it was written out of my heart's sad diary?  Why does every evening seem so empty and every sleepless night feel so lonely?  How selfish must I be to think I have any right to be so indulgent when there are REAL issues and REAL sadness in this world?  Get up and DO SOMETHING about it all!  Get up and DO something for charity!  Get GOING and DO something HAPPY for the WORLD!

But I can't right now.  So I keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  I keep praying - and thanking sincerely for each day I do keep going; and pray for those who have it so much worse than me.  I will keep going even with no real direction - because that is what I am supposed to do, what I am required to do, what I have to do.  I am going out of habit; out of that sweet, sweet familiarity of movement.  I am going through the motions. 

..and one day I will finally wake up out of my fog and find that I have arrived in the place that I am supposed to be.