The Best 8 Days of Our Lives

1/7/14 - Best Day of My Life!

2014 is the year of happiness and January is the month of hope. 

As I look at this now - how appropriate. I had very few symptoms, but my mommy (yes, MOMMY) intuition told me something was up.  Weeks after a missed cycle I finally took myself to the local drug store to find out the impossible - I was pregnant!

OMG..what do I do next?!??!

I cry. I panic. I laugh. I almost pass out! I drop to my knees and throw up my hands to thank our Lord for working pure positive magic in my body and soul over the last 9 months in preparation for this miracle. As if I, myself, were just born.  At 41 years old, I had personally put my own 'baby thing' well behind me and NOTHING could be more of an amazing surprise!

Telling my husband was so much fun. He would be home in just 30 minutes, so I had to act fast.  K-Mart is down the street, maybe they will have something...

The card was perfect. I read it in tears as it described about 'our story'. Reflecting over 21 years together, our hopes and disappointments, our dreams and our realities, I wrote something about being excited to start the next chapter and proclaimed that 2014 was OUR YEAR for new beginnings.  He opened an accompanying bright red gift bag to a Superbaby newborn cap and booties.

HUH?

He dug deeper to a bouquet of not 1, not 2, but THREE positive home pregnancy test.

HUH?

And then it hit him. Like a hammer it hit hard. He said, "Is this for real?"

DUH!

And so began the best 8 days of our lives. The day I fell in love with Nugget. I had JUST posted "My Mr. Big" blog entry to my husbands Facebook page the day before and now I had a living piece of his heart starting to beat inside of me. My own couldn't feel more full.

We immediately began organizing; setting doctor appointments, plotting on calendars, discussing announcement strategies, planning work-life balance, playing name games and other general nesting. Things that may seem premature to some, but God had been preparing us a LONG TIME for this family. He had finally granted 'unanswered' prayers. This was GOD'S will. GOD'S plan. We were...I WAS certainly was...simply his vessel. Like Sarah-from-the-Bible, only 39 years younger.

We had a lot to do in a short amount of time and wanted to get the word out to our family and best friends. We believed that this pregnancy was blessed and thus 'safe' to share. I even teased Todd to get started on the manger for our little miracle! We wanted to share our story to inspire others who may be discouraged in their own quest for baby.

I was already scheduled to go out of town for a work trip that had been extended into 6 days away from home leading into a major event that would take me away from home for another 6 days at the end of the month.  I had planned on telling my boss at the end of my first stay - but that got pushed up when my own 'suspicious behavior' caused questions. And besides...I was just SO DARN EXCITED! These people have become my extended family, my home-away-from-home and they take amazing care of me when I visit. They had become my friends. And so I told the executives, who did NOT disappoint me in their excitement and support. Everything was going as perfect is as perfect does.

While away, Todd and I kept in constant contact and even celebrated his birthday away from each other. I made him a video expressing my happy wishes and excitement towards the only birthday that would ever matter from here on out while he sent me hilarious "before 45" and "after 45" selfies to me and Nuggie. He always included us both in his messages and we continued our giddy new parent journey together. We surrounded ourselves with positive inspiration, music, people; we talked to the kidney bean and we talked to God.

Then it happened. First slowly and not much to worry about honestly. I stayed calm and still felt confident and knew this was normal. Then I saw red. Concern creeped in, but I had no pain or cramping so still stayed optimistic. I called my doctor back home and she was cautious, suggesting I visit an Urgent Care and left me with instructions. 

I still believed. The power of positivity got me here, it would keep me here! Nugget and I had an understanding and we had hope. 

But eventually and as things worsened, dread washed over me, suddenly and without remorse. I called Todd and we fought the feeling together from afar. I visited a clinic. Results from bloodwork and ultrasounds were reported to me with the same surprise as did the original news; I was now having a miscarriage.

1/14/14 - Mommy and Daddy love you forever, Nugget.

It was hard news for the doctor, a mother herself, to give. It was harder for me to hear. I held it together as she spoke. I held it together to call Todd. It was hardest to tell Todd.

I have moments of weakness but I'm still trying to hold it together. Todd still has hope. We are still miles apart.

God still has a plan. Until then, my full heart is falling to pieces.

I am left with questions. With anger. With guilt. I am left with the same cruel irony of life I have ever known.

I can't sleep. I again drop to my knees and throw up my hands to our Lord. He gave us this miracle. Please Lord, perform another.