Even if He does not...

I am today reminded of a Bible story about King Nebuchadnezzar. You might remember variations in the story of Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego in the fiery furnace.

Long story short, the king had erected a statue in his image and made his people bow to worship it in a public ceremony. Three men of God refused and were punished by being cast into a fiery furnace, emerging unscathed without even the smell of smoke.

Or was it the story of Daniel and the lion's den? I can't remember. Both were terrifying encounters to a kiddo and both are from the book of Daniel with similar endings. This one of a man of God thrown into a pit of lions for continuing to pray after being told by a King not to; again, coming out of the ordeal without even a scratch.

Regardless, as I write this today, I am again in awe of His mysterious ways as I recall the vivid memory of being jarred awake from a nightmare as a very young child. In the dream, I was holding a baby and a lion was talking to me. It's 'lips' were moving and I could see it's frightening teeth, but I was unable hear what it said over the roaring fire in a pit-like furnace around us.

That lion. These were among my favorite stories in Sunday School to the point of obsession. They had morphed into the image of a fiery lion, majestic and able to evoke both fear and calm within me at the same time. Huge gnashing teeth and kind eyes. Speaking to me, trying to say something I couldn't yet hear.

Weird? Yes. Confused between stories? Yes, honest kid mistake. Meaningful even thirty-plus years later? I may never know. But odd that the memory and the story return to me now as I ponder my relationship with God in this aftermath of hope after a miscarriage.

In both stories, the men were threatened by death for following their true Commander. In each, their responses were something like, "If we are to be punished, the God we serve is able to save us from it. He will rescue us from your hand. But even if he does not...we will not serve your agenda."

"But even if He does not…"

Even if He does not…He is still able, if it be his will. And even if He does not...He is still worthy of my commitment, of my faith and of my praise. Even if He does not...there is still HOPE only in Him.

When God created woman from of the rib of Adam, he made her to bring about new life and all that goes along with it. He made her to birth children and he made her heart big enough to bear all the hopes and dreams for the future and for her family. He made her body AND her heart fertile. This is both the strongest and the softest part of a woman; her heart.

My heart.

This experience had left my heart broken. I cried out to save my baby, to save me of the pain. But he did not. 

I told him exactly what I wanted and what I was thinking. We had long talks! I told him I didn't believe it was true - he was there to gently help me see the truth. I told him I was sad - he understood and helped me see joy in other things. I told him I was angry - he was there to hold me and let me beat my hands into his chest and to tell me it would be OK. I told him I couldn't keep myself from sinking - he told me that he was my anchor and that hope would be my float.

I am reminded, also, of my mother telling me in the same phone call in which I gave her the bad news at the same time she found out about the good. She mentioned the story of the footprints in the sand. Yes, God had not only been with me, but had been carrying me every step of the way.  He rejoiced with me as I danced in the kitchen upon my first positive home test! As frustrations led to desperation, He told me, “You are not alone.” He wrapped me in his warmth as the coldness of death set in; the same arms that cradle my baby in heaven tonight.

I had withdrawn my hope for a moment in time. But God did not withdraw his hope for me.

"But even if He does not..."

I choose to denounce the evil that pulls me into isolation and draw strength from the fertile ground of my heart. For only there will the HOPE of a new life be again born.

...He is still worthy!