Getting Ahead of Myself

About this same time each month, I receive a Parents magazine; and every month is pisses me off.  It is subscribed in my name and bears my home address on its hateful little label, but I have no idea how or why I ever opted-in to receive such scornful taunting.  I have tried to call and cancel.  It keeps coming.  I pick it up and yell at it and throw it in the recycle bin as hard as I can.  Still, it keeps coming.  I have tried to bury it in the backyard, burn it...oh wait...no  I haven't - what kind of weirdo would do that...

*Ahem.

But something stopped me yesterday.  Something about the towhead toddler or the carefree mom, or maybe it was the bunny ears on the cover that forced me to immediately pause and take a closer look.  I carried it into the kitchen and casually tossed it on the counter with other gifts from the postman and went about my business.  Each time I walked by, pulling it a little further out from the bottom of the heap.  It teased me with it's hope and overwhelmed me with its knowledge.  I finally succumbed reading a few of the featured headlines and found myself wondering, "Hmmm...How DO you give your kids a time-out?"

Hold up.

I don't even know how to fill out adoption papers yet.  I don't have the faintest idea how to even properly warm a bottle or put in a car seat. 

This time, I walked politely over to the recycle bin and gently laid the magazine along the side to live out its last hours amongst the other paper until pick-up day.  This month, meeting Parents face to face wasn't all so bad.

SUB-MIT

Submit. 

What a simple, perfectly symetrical little word.  As my mouse hovered over it, begging me to SUBMIT from my computer screen, I began to feel a bit...powerless.

Seeking to regain a sense of false control, I consulted Mr. Merriam and Dr. Webster.  Here's what they had to say:

sub-mit

transitive verb
1) a: to yield to governance or authority

   b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation

2): to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision; also: to deliver formally

3): to put forward as an opinion or contention

intransitive verb

1) a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another: surrender
   b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something
 

 2): to defer or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another 

...and there it was... 

Confirmation. Validation.  Affirmation.  Verification.
(ok, the thesaurus button was WAY too readily available here) 

SUBMIT was more than just the push of a cute little button.  More than a passive request.  More than a mere humble solicitation.  It was even more than first steps towards the potential of LIFE CHANGING EVENTS!!!  

It was to yield to another, to be subjected to be treated for a condition, to be judged by the opinion or authority of another, to defer consent.  By hitting submit, I lost all composure; symbolicly and literally.  Tears streaming down my face, I pondered this and after calling my husband at work like a lunatic - I lifted it up to God.  I  had followed my heart this far and now there it was, buried in all those synonyms and harsh descriptions...the thing that the heavens and the earth have been waiting on... 

Surrender
suh-ren-der

...and so I continued to complete the online request for consultation at a local adoption agency to where my research keeps leading.  But they only REALLY wanted to know one thing, and so I answered:
 

Q: What brings you to our office?

A: My husband and I are aching to be parents and fear that wehave waited too late in life.  While weare young at heart, those same hearts have grown way too big to fill with onlythe love we have for each other, our friends and family, our charities and otherpassions in life.  We have discussed andeven pursued other options, but recently have been pulled hard by the callingto adopt.   And with all the resourcesout there, we come to you surprisingly unprepared for both the tremendous anxiousanticipation of what might be...and the logistics of a solid plan ofaction.  I am drawn to, but fearful atthe same time, an open adoption on many levels and would like to find out moreabout that.  Together, we want to learnwhat type of adoption is a good fit for us, find out if we qualify, gainresources to help us with a financial and legal plan...and find hope. 

....and so I did it.  I hit submit.


 

Keep Moving Forward

I spent some time working on what I hoped to be a relaunch of my blog today, but got distracted, as I often do.  Sitting at a locally owned coffee shop near my home, I saw a familiar face who asked me why I wasn't at work.

What AM I doing off work today?

Our offices are closed in observance of Martin Luther King, Jr. day.  Then it dawned on me how appropriate that is, as I reflect on my own dreams and those of others.  You see, I am not so much starting fresh, as refocusing on those things that are already a part of me; that potential inside that sometimes gets put aside.  I'm slowing down in order to go faster.

So for now, I share with you the quote, out of all of those quite powerful from MLK, that touched me the most on this day of pause - set to one of my favorite photos taken at the 2006 Susan G. Komen 3-Day.  As we walked in unison, I gradually and purposefully began to trail behind, overwhelmed by the beauty of the day and the hearts of the women beside me.  Thank you for sharing the moment with me now.

Photo edited on PhotoImpact Pro with oil paint effect

So please bear with me as I work on my public relaunch.  I have some exciting new projects and have been truly inspired, but will need you all to walk beside me as we lift each other towards flight and sometimes encourage each other to simply crawl.  I look forward to continuing our journey together!

New Year, Baby!

It may sound a bit cliche, but this New Year will be Year of NEW for me!

As I look at this passage of time through my sporatic little blog, I find that I have, frankly, become quite boring and most depressing. While there is much left still unwritten -  and many years before Geez, Baby! that has been already packed away in the darkness of memories best forgotten -  what I failed to highlight is that my life is FULL of babies; baby steps, pet projects that become 'my baby', a full spectrum of perpetual home and garden nesting rituals, small miracles that occcur every day...

Listen...I'm turning 40 this year and if there is anything I am going to get out of this life, I need to get over it and get on with it, Baby!  I cannot promise I will convert my brooding wisdom into songs of endless sappy happy, but I can adapt, adjust and amend. I can promise that THIS IS MY YEAR. 

Call it what you will; new beginnings, fresh starts, brighter outlooks, renewed spirit...ALL OF IT and more!  Call it crazy.  Call me niave.  Call it heads or call it tails. 

I call it a new day vs. just another one.

Christmas Time

This Christmas just seems to blend into the last.  It's true that time moves so quickly that if you blink even just for just a moment, you might miss a lifetime.  My eyes not only fluttered, they have been closed.  Shut tight.  Closed so that no light nor darkness can enter my soul.  So when they open, I find myself as though time has stood still in my mind; same time, same place, same situation.  But it's an illusion.  The contiuum marches on - and I, in the middle.


So THIS is the time.  Time to WAKE UP.  My time is NOW! 
Make something of it, Gina.  Start today.  

Pressure's On!

Today is my birthday.  The day I was born - thirty-nine years ago..today.  One year older, another year passed.

No matter how I say it, I'm sure it means more to my mother than to me.  To me, it's just another day.

...Until I think of the pressure.  Oh man!  I forgot about my deadline!  UGH!

39 was to be my banner year. Well, that is after 32 was suppposed to be my banner year - and then escaped me. Oh yeah, then 36 was to be my banner year; it came and went.  Now here is 39 aready?!?!  Wasn't I in this same place JUST last year?  Hadn't I been warned that my clock was ticking?

THIRTY NINE.  It's the last year you may use your own eggs for IVF implant.  Not the last year they recommend due to the loss of viability or the low percentages...that has been the heads up since I as thirty-two (my first expected banner year..double ugh.); but the last year they will even do it! 

Oh sure, I can use some other woman's egg.  Somebody else's gene pool.  Some young things unneeded extras.  Somebody who has plenty to spare.  Some dumb somebody who isn't me!

That somebody might possibly be healthy, I guess.  I guess they could  possibly have auburn hair.  Maybe quite possibly have blue eyes.  Possibly a few freckles and fair skin; maybe even petite and I guess they could be a good person, hard worker, lover of animals and beauty. 

If thirty-nine doesn't happen - I guess maybe there is possibly always forty.

Snap! Crackle! Baby?

I am no longer a virgin.  A virgin of chiropractic care, that is.

I tweaked an old back injury last week.  So bad that I cannot imagine making it through the mammoth (over) third-of-a-million dollar tradeshow I am in charge of in just two weeks without a major physical breakdown.  

I sit - it hurts.

I stand - it hurts.

I lay down - it hurts.

I get back up - it hurts.

I dare move in bed while sleeping - it wakes me up like a shot out of hell.

I breathe - you got it..it hurts!




So I asked for help.  (Something I have been reminded again and again by multiple sources lately that I need to do more of).  My boss told me, "This guy will not only help you, he will change your life."

WOW.

I left work early today to have my world rocked.  A bit afraid of an earthquake, I asked my husband to meet me there.

After signing my life away (but not completing any personal history), 'this guy' asked me to stand.  He cocked his head and stared at me, eyeball measured a few things, and sat back down.  He then proceeded to take a deep look into my very soul and tell me my own health history, and then some, without missing a beat.  

Was 'this guy for real?!?

As we continued chatting (and I have no idea how this subject even came up), I revealed for some reason that Todd and I had been trying to have a baby, again, for the last few years - that I had all but given up since losing my last job back in June; letting my weight spin out of control and dumping all excersise.  He looked up at both of us and asked, "Do you still want to get pregnant?"

YES!

My husband looked over and smiled at the light in my eyes he hadn't seen in so long. 

He briefly described how chiropractic care works alongside good nutrition and healthy balance to create an opportunity for natural pregancy.  As he told me about his recent success stories, my eyes wandered around the room to various posters and signs in his office.  "I do not heal.  I align your body so that you can align your heart for God to heal." one says right next to a poster image of chubby little baby fingers being held by a mother's hand.

"We will make that happen", 'this guy' says.