Wordless Wednesday - Woven in Prayer

Love this idea - 'stolen' from my favorite blogger.
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Stay Tuned....for the Story Behind the Photo.

You'll be glad you did! :)

Photo Taken; 23 June 2010: 
"Woven in Prayer"

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(RE)Connecting the Dad Day Dots

I missed my dad today.

I had been looking forward to spending the first Father's Day with him since - well, since my childhood; during every other weekend visitations.  You see, we had only reconnected just four short months before his death last year.  He had not been a part of my life since before I was married.  He did not walk me, his only child, down the isle.  He will never get to see his one and only grandchild.

But this is a day to celebrate!  And I do not want to bring it down with sadness from days gone by.  I want to remember the good!

The good is that he loved me in the beginning and in the end.  The rest of time is just middle-stuff.  The good is that he told me that he loved me even as brain function stole away his ability to speak.  He said it through blue eyes that look like mine.  He said it through the squeeze of my hand; with his crooked little pinkie inside my hand having that same crooked little finger.

Little girls need their dads.  The woman that I have become loves the dad that the little girl had.  I  somehow found a man to marry that loves me in all the middle-stuff ways that a little girl needs to turn into a woman.  I can now pass that GOOD part of love down to a child, God willing someday.

Thanks, Dad.  I'm glad you are spending Father's Day in peace with YOUR dad AND your Heavenly Father.  Now that IS a reason to celebrate! 

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Bittersweet.

Sweet because I am so blessed to be having a birthday. Period.

Bitter because there is still no BIRTH DAY!

But if tomorrow never comes (queue up the sappy Garth strumming), I am complete; and I know that those I love KNOW that I love them.  I am so blessed to be turning 38 (there, I said it) when there are those that I have loved and knew it that did not get to see that day for themselves.  I am healthy in body and wealthy in soul.  

And I have ONE YEAR left to enjoy a REAL BIRTH DAY!

MOTHER'S Day Revisited

Every year on that day of celebration, I go church to honor my own mother who so faithfully attends.  Inevitably, there is that awkward moment during the greeting and announcements when the pastor asks all Mom's to stand to accept their praise and applause from the crowd and heavens alike.  They are typically offered a flower to plant in their gardens or some other token in wishing of a well deserved Happy Mother's Day.  Then what usually happens is that one of the door greeters starts passing out all the gifting overages at the end of the service to 'all others'.  

I cringe.

The sermon this year was refreshingly different.  While not detracting from the glory of mothers, it did include a focus in the "Value of a Woman" to which it was also appropriately titled and based upon the poetic verses in Proverbs chapter 31.  

Even when young and growing up a hodgepodge of  Methodist, Southern Baptist, Union and Lutheran theologies through several broken homes; I have always been keenly aware of the importance of a woman in her own right.  Their names and positions and lessons in the Bible and as role models are some of the most poignant in life.  These were not just characters on a Sunday school felt board to me; they were THE heroes of the big book even though you sometimes have to dig between the lines to find them.

The thing that struck me in this most recent lecture was how little things have changed in the day of being woman.  Though iPhones have replaced a donkey messenger, a woman in charge is still the theme.  These Proverbs describe a business owner, industrious and creative; homeowner extraordinaire, loved and respected for her gentle and nurturing nature and her sound judgment; a charitable giver full of incredible compassion; she is prepared - she is as logical as open is her heart - she strives for excellence - she is healthy and physically strong.  All of this and she is not burdened or worried from the load of responsibility because she has her eye on God as her first priority. 

SHE IS REMARKABLE.

So as barren as my own womb (didn't THAT sound biblical) and although I may not completely understand the logistics of my currently unanswered prayers, I am confident that I HAVE VALUE in MY own right.  My own life was created for a purpose BEYOND my understanding....for now.   

Happy belated "Mother's" Day!

B is for: BABIES!

While the movie progressed a bit too slowly in some places to completely hold my attention for 80 minutes, anybody who has ever had one or loves the sound of their coos and even cries can't help but be enamored by "Babies". The cute factor alone had me at Goo Goo Ga Ga.

There is no commentary, no narration, no interruption, no real sense of time; just the day in and day out of the life as a baby from the mundane to the little victories and milestones. I almost stood in the theater and cheered when one of the little boys FINALLY stood by himself (behind all of the others) with the wind in his fuzzy (and big!) hair like the ruler of his own little grass hut kingdom. I wanted to yell out, "NAAACHOOOOOOO!!!!"









Some are surprised by the intimacy of the scenes and approximation of the cameras as they captured the very essence of familial life by following four babies from different parts of the world through their first 18 months. Some are shocked and feel the documentary exploits a global economic imbalance. Others comment on the lack of obvious similarities that all cultures and all mothers and all babies share; and the natural development and evolution thereof.

I, personally, did not need an outlined cheat sheet to connect-the-dots nor a talking GPS roadmap to fully enjoy the journey. I think the beauty was in the inference and the simplicity of it all and I remain comforted in the confirmation that all any of us ever need - from birth through adulthood really - to grow and reach within our own innate will to be happy and to survive; to find the BIG personalities in all of our LITTLE persons...is love.

Besides - baby cheeks just make me want to smile. How about you?

REPRODUCTION for Dummies

How did I get to be this age...that being, apparently, the age where my chances of naturally becoming pregnant is at a whopping 9%...without knowing how desperate my situation has become?

I attended a frighteningly informative seminar sponsored by the Reproductive Resource Center. Amidst young couples almost bursting with excitement and women who had solid reasons for having trouble making babies, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. The fact that I have had "unexplained infertility" for, at the very least, the last 17 years of my life - does not give me a happy prognosis. If I had only started this process even just 5 years ago, I wouldn't have to make such immediate and hard decisions about our future.

To remain childless or somehow finance $30K - that is know what it is down to.

As an only child of divorced parents, I have always had this sense of being alone. Sometimes, this feels like loneliness. Quite selfishly, I thought that starting my OWN family would fill that void with a real bond - a real bloodline connection - to another precious life. I know that I would be a great mom rivaled only by the greatness of Todd being a dad. I never thought I would be one of those women who became overwhelmed by the unlikelihood of that experience...until it hit me this morning during an emotional and open discussion of the facts as they were presented to me.

I know our options - but they are just not options for us at this time. Unfortunately - time is not a thing that we have anymore.

S is for: Surrogate

While I am not sure Dr. Phil is even a real doctor, nor am I completely sure I care - today's episode caught my attention this evening as I flip...flip...flipped for something to watch. The Enquirer-esque caption exploited "Criminal, Kidnapper and 100% Wrong - Surrogate Mom Faces Her Critics".
Well, THIS I gotta hear!

I should have kept flipping.

I say this, because it was truly the first time I had put any serious thought into the matter. The practice of a surrogacy is; however, quite literally as old as the hills. The original "Baby Mama" can be found nowhere else but in the Bible itself! I think they skipped over that part in Sunday school.

Wikipedia describes it as a "method of reproduction". I had to stop and think about that one. Not because I didn't understand the words, but there was no adjective describing the method as being "alternative". It struck me as an unfamiliar and uncomfortable realty. How very sheltered and naive of me.

Wiki goes on to describe the different kinds of surrogacy. Dr. Phil's lucky guest of honor was a gestational surrogate whereas she was not the biological mother. Egg and sperm were both from a 3rd party donation service. Again, I had to stop and think; putting two and two together just wasn't adding up for me.

I get why a person (an intended parent) would want to share the entire journey from conception to birth with and/or through another (a surrogate parent) as the closest thing to their own experience when the hope of that is gone. Believe me, I get it so much. I get why sometimes one of the intended may not physically be able to be a part of either the conception or the birth - in which case the intended's partner could at least be a part in the conception of a surrogate. I have no problem with that. What I don't get is having zero biological connection for either intended parent in the case where one of them IS physically capable regardless of how desperately one or the other wants the experience. It is selfish to the world. There are just way too many children who simply need a loving home.

There are just too many legal and moral debate topics brought up in the show to cover in one sitting. My brain stopped at the above and is now hurting from the rest. What I did get from the drama was some of my own insight, albeit personal and some good resources for more information.

Now on to some REAL reality: High School Reunion on TV Land!

Sources:
The Dr. Phil Show
Wikipedia
Center for Surrogate Parenting