It's strange, really. While I'm taking myself way out of my comfort zone today, I do have a full day and weekend planned here in Oshkosh. As I prepare for it through the ritual of morning, I seek ten minutes of personal development and ten more minutes of God. I found myself searching a bit harder for inspiration of happiness. Something. Anything on this gray and cloudy day.
Then, as I sat down to catch up on a few bills online, I got to the one I had been avoiding; the reproductive center. Once it was done. I cried. And I haven't stopped.
I cry because I feel so blessed to have family who paid this for me. Family members who not only gave their hard-earned money towards Baby Reuscher, but gave their love and their hope. And while a ridiculous notion, I cry because I feel like I failed them. I cry because our first attempt in April was a bust. I cry because I wasn't able to try again in May. I cry because I'm scared about trying again. I cry because last time I sat on this couch alone, I didn't leave it for days and I've allowed this moment to take me back to that time when I mourned the loss of my Nugget.
So I pay my bill. I give myself 10 minutes of grief. I write to you all. And I move forward.
Because as I type, I just realized that the sun has come out. The sky is bright with scant poufs of soft white clouds dancing way up high, drawing my eyes towards the heavens and reminding me of the promise of the rainbow. The Holy Spirit inside of my is strong. Today, it leads me back to peace and personal greatness!
No comments:
Post a Comment