Hope Does Float (and stings a little, too!)

Acknowledging loss after my miscarriage was important to me. 

I experienced most of the mourning process alone and worked through it so quickly - too quickly - squeezing in rides on the emotional and hormonal roller coaster between rides on Southwest and United Airlines. Work obligations monopolized my time and lonely hotel rooms occupied my space. As the dust began to settle, I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt like a fake. 

Thanks...and Wanting More

Thanksgiving left me rather wanting for more.

More time.
More thoughtful moments.
More time to write down those thoughful moments.
More memories.
More memory.
More memory of my memories.

But what I did not leave wanting was more just for the sake of wanting more.

Not more money.
Not more things.
Not more money to buy more things.

I actually spent Thanksgiving eve staying fairly later than most at work.
Thankful that I have a job that allows me to do so.
I drove myself to meet my husband for dinner that was 1/2 price with a coupon.
So very thankful to be alive and driving my humble little economy car to meet my love for an evening out.
We saw a dear friend that we had not seen since he was hospitalized with a heart attack.
I was thankful for friendship and fun and contagious laughter and happiness that spreads.
Another friend offered us a free stay at a luxury hotel!
"Thank you" didn't seem enough!

I filled up a small sized pool they called a bathtub with water and bubbles and just let go.
Breathe. 
Relax.
I looked around at the marble floor.
I looked at the antique vanity sink.
I looked at the chandelier above me.
I became thankful that these were not part of my own home.
I became thankful for things I did not have.
I became thankful for the honor of truly enjoying the very essence of being.
I became thankful for the awareness of the simple joys in life.
I became thankful for the appreciation of the little luxuries in life.

If I had lived in a marble mansion...would the gifts of so many that evening had been enough?
If not met with sorrow...would I feel such joy?
If not for this void...will I ever feel truly full when filled?

If not for the wanting - there would be no thanks!

Thanks...and Giving

                                                                                                                                
'Tis the Season indeed...to be thoughtful and joyful and thankful and giving.

I am overwhelmed with emotion as I ponder those words today.  Although I cannot put a finger on it exactly, I think it all boils down to the biggest word of all - LOVE.  I am surrounded by it.  From the surface and superficial to the real and amazing; from the commercial to the priceless and from the getting...to the giving.

I have a problem with love.  There is no other feeling that can cause the effect of every other emotion without a word being said or action been taken - except the feeling of being without it.  Love is unpredictable and uncontrollable.  It requires...well...giving.  And you can't give without getting.  In order to get, you have to be open to receiving.  Damn  how that works.

When it comes down to it, the only love that is real is that of family.  There are very very few people who are not relatives that transcend from friend to family.  So very few.  Too little few.

I love my family.  I am thankful for them.  I think I would be better at giving if I had my own family.  I have so much to give.  It just doesn't pour out like it should.  If I gave more..I would get more.

Thanksgiving seemed to be easier when I was young.  You show up, you eat, you go home.  Then when I got older - a newlywed with a new home - I couldn't wait to host the family dinner and did so for several years in a row.  If you know nothing about me, you must know now that I absolutely thrive on hosting and entertaining.  Ironic, I know, for such an awkward introvert.

We lost the home and I seemed to start to lose myself accordingly as others in the family stepped up and took their own turn in hosting from their fabulous new kitchens and with their own wedding registry cookware gifts.  I began to feel more isolated as they started their own families that grew larger, as did the homes to which we visited.  I began to look forward to spending time with my husband's family more and more because of the tradition and the sibling interaction I was able to be a part, if only by association, as a sharp contrast to my own upbringing.  When Todd's mother passed away, his sister stepped up and has done a fabulous job as the matriarch; a title and position I very much envy.  Over the years and after my grandfather's passing, my own side of the family just became too extended and Thanksgiving dinner together became a thing of the past. 

This year seems special.  It has been one of heavy heartache and incredible miracles and blessing.  So when a cousin on my mother's side suggested that I host a family get-together for the holidays, I was almost giddy with excitement.  Then I was trembling in fear.  My house is not complete!  It is TINY!  Do I even remember how to cook and clean and decorate and WOW?!?!?

Does it really matter?

What matters is that it is perfect.  My uncle is (thankfully) alive and has been moved to a local LTAC hospital - close enough for my family to share a day of fellowship with us all.  I am (thankfully) alive and well.  My husband is (thankfully) alive and well.  I am overwhelmed again, not by the task ahead of me to entertain, but with the anticipation of my modest and unfinished home coming alive with adult conversation and with the heart warming laughter of children...with LOVE.

I have so much to give.  I hope it will be well received!

 

Triple Threat

When you are desperately trying to have a child, just ONE child...it seems like everyone else is accomplishing what you cannot.  Let alone endure those who have having multiples!  What a nerve wracking blessing.  

So was my Saturday...

...and honestly, it was fine.

I was fine.

I am fine! 

The Male Biological Clock..TICKING!

I have no clever words or funny perspectives on Todd's initial exam results from the Urologist. Ok...maybe just a few sarcastic innuendos to keep it real. But if anybody knows him at all, this sure does explain a lot!

Todd has been diagnosed as having Varicoles. While not fatal or even rare, it makes total sense. He described it to me as a 'vein sack' much like your everyday varicose veins prevalent in the legs of many women. He reported, rather unscientifically, that this condition if coupled with low motility means that he is infertile.

Typical of most, I am not one to take my husband's word for the gospel. So I did what any educated wife would to and consulted Google search...the bible of all factual, current and worldly knowledge. While his generalities were correct according to MedTerms - there is certainly more to the story.

Varicoceles can develop after puberty but is not usually detected until undergoing said evaluation for the reason of suspect fertility problems. They are common and found in nearly 15% of all men. Out of those, it accounts for up to 40% of all male subfertility cases. Get this...a whopping 81% of men are diagnosed even after fathering their first child. This is because, over time, the little buggers lead to the deterioration of fertility.

This is what happens: the blood flow gets stuck in this veiny mass positioned right inside the cord that produces sperm. So the blood fails to effectively pump back up towards the heart. This raises the temperature in the testes causing either malformations of the sperm ...or just really lazy ones. Who can blame them! It must be 1000000 degrees down there!

This is why it now all makes sense. If you have ever been on any kind of a roadtrip or spent even just an evening with Todd, you will bear witness to his sudden and hilarious outbursts of "Is it HOT in here?!?! It's HOT in here!!!!" whereas he proceeds (if in the company of very close friends and family) to open up his sweat pants, shorts, or jeans thereof to get some air. We lovingly call him "Sweaty Balls". I'm sure he will be thrilled that I am now telling the world!

So what does this mean? Well, there are treatments that offer varying hope for success, but now appear to be unavoidable. Outpatient surgery is required with about a week of downtime before returning to work on light duty. Repair has been reported to significantly improve fertility function in 60%-80% of men. This is great news! The more unfortunately statistic I found was that only about 44% of those successes result in unassisted pregnancy after a year and 77% after two years. At our age...we are fighting against the clock already!