SUB-MIT

Submit. 

What a simple, perfectly symetrical little word.  As my mouse hovered over it, begging me to SUBMIT from my computer screen, I began to feel a bit...powerless.

Seeking to regain a sense of false control, I consulted Mr. Merriam and Dr. Webster.  Here's what they had to say:

sub-mit

transitive verb
1) a: to yield to governance or authority

   b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation

2): to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision; also: to deliver formally

3): to put forward as an opinion or contention

intransitive verb

1) a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another: surrender
   b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something
 

 2): to defer or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another 

...and there it was... 

Confirmation. Validation.  Affirmation.  Verification.
(ok, the thesaurus button was WAY too readily available here) 

SUBMIT was more than just the push of a cute little button.  More than a passive request.  More than a mere humble solicitation.  It was even more than first steps towards the potential of LIFE CHANGING EVENTS!!!  

It was to yield to another, to be subjected to be treated for a condition, to be judged by the opinion or authority of another, to defer consent.  By hitting submit, I lost all composure; symbolicly and literally.  Tears streaming down my face, I pondered this and after calling my husband at work like a lunatic - I lifted it up to God.  I  had followed my heart this far and now there it was, buried in all those synonyms and harsh descriptions...the thing that the heavens and the earth have been waiting on... 

Surrender
suh-ren-der

...and so I continued to complete the online request for consultation at a local adoption agency to where my research keeps leading.  But they only REALLY wanted to know one thing, and so I answered:
 

Q: What brings you to our office?

A: My husband and I are aching to be parents and fear that wehave waited too late in life.  While weare young at heart, those same hearts have grown way too big to fill with onlythe love we have for each other, our friends and family, our charities and otherpassions in life.  We have discussed andeven pursued other options, but recently have been pulled hard by the callingto adopt.   And with all the resourcesout there, we come to you surprisingly unprepared for both the tremendous anxiousanticipation of what might be...and the logistics of a solid plan ofaction.  I am drawn to, but fearful atthe same time, an open adoption on many levels and would like to find out moreabout that.  Together, we want to learnwhat type of adoption is a good fit for us, find out if we qualify, gainresources to help us with a financial and legal plan...and find hope. 

....and so I did it.  I hit submit.


 

New Year, Baby!

It may sound a bit cliche, but this New Year will be Year of NEW for me!

As I look at this passage of time through my sporatic little blog, I find that I have, frankly, become quite boring and most depressing. While there is much left still unwritten -  and many years before Geez, Baby! that has been already packed away in the darkness of memories best forgotten -  what I failed to highlight is that my life is FULL of babies; baby steps, pet projects that become 'my baby', a full spectrum of perpetual home and garden nesting rituals, small miracles that occcur every day...

Listen...I'm turning 40 this year and if there is anything I am going to get out of this life, I need to get over it and get on with it, Baby!  I cannot promise I will convert my brooding wisdom into songs of endless sappy happy, but I can adapt, adjust and amend. I can promise that THIS IS MY YEAR. 

Call it what you will; new beginnings, fresh starts, brighter outlooks, renewed spirit...ALL OF IT and more!  Call it crazy.  Call me niave.  Call it heads or call it tails. 

I call it a new day vs. just another one.

That Mockingbird Will Sing

I love music.

How a song can so perfectly strike the chords of your heartstrings.  How its words can wrap around a feeling or a memory that you keep way down deep inside and dare not speak.  How you instantly feel a new connection with yourself.  How you are moved to tears BY yourself.

I slipped out alone tonight to quiet a craving for ice-cream and started channel surfing on the car stereo to quiet the thoughts in my head.  I landed on a station in commerical break before distracted by the menu and giving my order.  Just as I paid and started my way back home, a beat caught my attention.  I cranked it up and got ready for the ride.  Before I knew it, my eyes were full and the back of my throat was tight.  Rob Thomas has put thoughts I didn't know I had until I heard them put to his amazing melody.


It may not make sense to most, but to me it is not a song about a broken relationship; but of my amazing one.  "We've tried everything.  Life seems hard enough, but maybe we ain't meant for THIS love."  To me, it is just another sign.  Maybe it is time to end one dream so that we can make room for a new one.  That mockingbird will sing.

Triple Threat

When you are desperately trying to have a child, just ONE child...it seems like everyone else is accomplishing what you cannot.  Let alone endure those who have having multiples!  What a nerve wracking blessing.  

So was my Saturday...

...and honestly, it was fine.

I was fine.

I am fine! 

Project Baby Has Been Terminated

I lost my job.

Just like that.  Cutbacks. 

I got the call and was given notice with reasons and some other words said, but I didn't really catch it all.  My brain immediately went to, "Project Baby Has Been Termninated" - and stopped.

I have worked from home for this particular company for 4 1/2 years.  It was an honor to be recruited by the CEO; hand-picked out of a vast crowd of online advertising professionals.  I fell into the industry 7 years prior when I had made the decision to seek out a job that inspired me.  I stumbled across a new local start-up that was expanding at an incredible rate.  I applied for a customer service position through an online job listing.  The internet was still in its infancy and keyword cataloging for search had not yet been fully developed, but my research on the business and its owner pulled news articles from coast to coast. He was apparently kind-of a big deal!  His success started while still in high school as the creator of an entertainment gaming website, driving more traffic to it through this wild and untamed frontier of the worldwide web than any other.  I interviewed with the young owner/entrepreneur at a Starbucks as the offices were still under construction.  While I am no genius, I could grasp the concepts and the mind blowing potential they held - and I was excited.

I was quickly promoted and continued to move both upwards and laterally and through a strategic company split 4 times, soaking up experience and knowledge into all aspects of the business.  I thrived in the collaborative work environment where I met some of my favorite friends and worked side-by-side with some of the top developers and forward thinkers known still today in the space.  Technological advancements and the evolution of the online space was, and continues to be, flying at the speed of light.  I now find myself having to clamor to stay in the game.

As with most job decisions, there comes a time when you hit a crossroads.  I was there.  Through management changes and company restructuring, I found myself alone, unhappy with my surroundings and restless to focus on simple things; things of the heart and the home.  My husband had returned to school after finally deciding on a career change himself, which left me tethered to my job as the bread winner. The Biological Clock Beast had, again, reared its ugly head.  I was good at my job but was dying to get out.  So I did.

There came a time that I had to replace it.  I loved my new one!  No more long daily commute, no more corporate BS or micro-managing!  I got to attend trade-shows again, some in cities I had never been!   I really LIKED who I was working for and with and was again inspired by the opportunity to seek new clients with an expanded base of services from which I could provide.  I am a hard worker and doing so from home actually made me MORE job-obsessed and more productive than being in an office full of distractions.  I consistently aimed high to meet and exceed not only my own personal sales goals, but also the core values of our performance review even before we had  them.  The personal sacrifices I made were great and I never took any of the minimum days allowed to heal from trauma or illness and not once even ate up my vacation days to the fullest (hindsight tells me unfortunately so).

I was again promoted through some regrettable turnover; however, it felt good that my peers had 'nominated' me to do so.  It felt even better that my boss agreed and was thrilled that I was interested.  I had my work cut out for me as the failing economy was starting to reflect on our business in so many ways and for so many reasons.  When times got tough I remained optimistic and flexible...even offering to cut my own salary in half for the benefit of the bigger picture.  My proposal was denied.  I had a great team and got to hire one more that remains as an asset to the company.  The others are no longer there for one reason or another.  The company has restructured.  It wasn't enough.  I am out.

I feel betrayed.  A bit lost.  A lot confused. 

I am a believer that all things happen for a reason.  I can't see it now.  I hope I do soon.

The Furbaby

If it weren't for Todd, I would have taken in any stray animal or person who needed a home in the last 15 years. Thankfully, he is my intervention from truly being the crazy cat lady. But Sadie is a different story...

Once upon a sunny Saturday, I was busy spring-cleaning while my husband was at work. Our typical suburban neighborhood was bustling with kids riding bikes, dads mowing their lawns and moms cleaning out their minivans. I noticed a cluster of people starting to gather on my street and didn't really think twice about it when my doorbell rang. My German Shepherd, Talon, perked up to help me answer. A little boy stood there looking up at me with his big brown eyes and asked me if I would take his dog. He said her name was Sandie because that was the color of her fur.

One look at what lie in my yard melted my heart. Sweet eyes begged at me through a sort of haze and buggars. A pink nose twitched at me through its scratches and scabs. Soft pale skin reddened under the sun where huge patches of hair no longer protected. As I walked over to this ragamuffin, it rolled over happily for a tummy rub to which I obliged. Big chest bone and nothing more held her together. The boys' mother explained that they had found her a few days prior on the side of the highway near our home and that she has small children at home and just couldn't keep her. She had asked everyone in the neighborhood but nobody would take her. This was her last block - and we were her last house.

I recognized the breed. StaffOrdSomething Terrior, Bulldog, Amercian SomethingOrOther Terrior...it didn't matter...all I saw was a Pitbull. The same kind of pitbull exploited in the news tearing off the faces of little children. The same kind of pitbull that had been splashed over the internet as being dangerous and fighting dogs. THAT kind of pitbull. Illegal in the town and at the home in which I lived.

Now this is where my husband and I disagree. I could SWEAR that I told the family that I just couldn't take her; that he came home just an hour or so later and the family was still hustling the hood when they caught him in the driveway and the pitbull suckered him into it's heart. HE says that he drove up about the same time they were there and I am the one that suckered HIM! Regardless, we became the parents of a truly PITiful dog.

She looked more like a Sadie than a Sandie to me - or maybe I just couldn't get that Little Orphan Annie dog out of my head or the Tomorrow song that came with it - and so her name was changed. She and Talon hit it off immediately. My cat soon also warmed up and they are still best buds. That first night, she slept in our bed, under the covers between us like a little human - head on my pillow and spooned up agaist me. We have slept like that every since.

I immediately took her to the vet the following Monday. Dr Denny, indeed, labeled her a pitbull and gave us antibiotics to heal her open lacerations (presumably from fighting), gave her meds for mange and worms and all other icky things and sent us home with a puppy kit - estimating her age to be about 6 months old. Once her body was healed, she seemed to be adjusting in every other way with Talon leading the pack (insert obvious foreshadowing here). We all went on walks around the neighborhood, enjoyed the freedom of my parents farm off leash and went to Todd's softball games to hang out with other dog lovers in the bleachers.

We shortly moved into an apartment in the city where pitbulls are legal. I started a new job and my husband started school. The animals spent more time at home alone and less time doing extracurricular activities. I began to notice Sadie being territorial when we had visitors and she started being aggressive towards other animals. A few years later, Talon passed away in the living room. Later even after that, Sadie became so aggressive to anybody outside her own pack that she was pretty much isolated from anything fun except for our long daily walks on a leash (fun for her, but not for the one she pulled at the sight of another living thing).

We then moved to our current construction nightmare and I began working from home. Her behavior has gradually escalated. She growls and lunges at any visitor even while in her kennel or having her muzzle on. Walks are impossible if there is a loose dog in the neighborhood that might approach us. So bad has it become, that we are unable to leave her at the doggie resort while on vacation anymore. She is too fearful and they would have to tranquilize her, causing even more mental trauma. Today, during her yearly checkup at her usual vet - she lunged at the doctor sounding vicious. When corrected, she assumed her usual position right under me and between my legs in a guarding position (or 'right up in ya' as my husband refers to it). Fear and protective. Not a good mix. I held back my tears.

We got through the visit and I was even invited back next year thanks to the great staff at Ark Animal Clinic. They assured me that I am not a horrible owner and referred me to a local animal behaviorist. Is this a glimpse of my parenting skills? Are we doomed to raise a Monster (another loving nickname from Todd when referring to Sadie).

So this is my test. And I am up for it. No more excuses. No more anxiety. No more trying. Just doing. I want Sadie to be healthy and enjoy life again. Dogs are a man's best friend. But Sadie has been my Furbaby....filling the void of losing our beloved 'first child' and the urge to be a real mother. But I need us to develop a working relationship as human and dog so that we can expand our family to a real baby.

...to live happily ever after!

Wish me luck!

Big Baby

Talk about being a big BABY....

I returned home from some lunchtime errands today to three grown men huddled together in the middle of my unfinished family room (aka the garage) without any actual work being done towards the finishing of said room. My presence was not met with the usual kidding or showing off of a job completed for my supervisory inspection, but with deer-in-the-headlight looks.

"Steve cut his finger off", my father-in-law quickly fessed up.

"Oh, it's not cut completely off...just a little stinger", my dad tried to cover.

I must say I was impressed by the nursing efforts of them all. The finger was neatly and tightly wrapped with pads, gauze and tape from a real first aid kit (to which now I must go purchase...because I sure didn't have one on hand!). The Boy Scouts of America don't got nuttin' on these men! ;)

After pulling the gory details out of them like teeth, I talked my free labor into letting me take him to The Urgency Room. My sister-in-law works there and I assured him it was the best bet. Quickly ushered into an exam room, she began to unwrap the blood soaked appendage. Just as quickly she covered it back up and simple said "This is BAD."

Oh come on now. How bad can it be?, I thought. He didn't act like it hurt. He wasn't pale. Weren't they all just in my house swapping and comparing saw injury stories like they were hangnails? So despite the cowardly voice in my head, I stood up to take a peek.

UGH. Huge flap of skin flopped over to the side. OMG. Blood everywhere. EW. I think that was bone I just saw. I think I am getting light headed...ouch, my finger hurts...oh my, I need to sit back down.

The doctor came in and simply said, "Oh, this is BAD." Yeah, I could have told her that. He was referred to the nearest emergency room.

I drove my dad back to my house where so he could pick up his truck and go back to his own house to feed the horses and take care of the animals. HUH? Once he was safely out of sight, I quickly called my mother (whom I promised NOT to call) and tried not to panic her as only a child can do a mother. She also works for a family physician and so she directed him to her first. Thank goodness!

Her doctor took one look and said, "Wow, this is BAD." Hmmmmm....

So two other men, two nurses and two doctors and a wife later - his hand is now in the expert hands of an orthopedic surgeon. Pouting like a child, he was not too thrilled about having to be put completely under. Unfortunately, it looks like a skin graft is necessary (the original 'flap' didn't make it) and other tendons and things I prefer not to know about were severed - possibly beyond repair. I am so happy it was only a finger!!!

I think about the many scrapes, breaks, blood, puke and poop I am wishing upon myself to have a baby. I'd better watch more Operation TV if I'm going to desensitize myself. I didn't fare so well today!

Who's the BIG BABY now?!??!?

Inspired by Robins

Spring defines the birth of new beginnings.

One comforting memory is my mother's yearly excitement as she would point out to me the first robin of the season. Her eyes would sparkle and we would anxiously and vigilantly wait for the first glance of those amazing blue eggs. Perfect with each one uniquely speckled. As I grew older, she still sometimes calls, "Spring is here! I just saw my first robin!"

Today, as I watch fat little robins waddle through my yard, busy in loving preparation for mommyhood - I am reminded of my own natural urge to nest. While the instinct of nesting is common in women who are pregnant to full term, some of us are hard-wired to bustle about looking for the next home project at any given point in our lives. I am one of those people.

Like a bird without a tree during the renovation of our house that has taken over a year to complete, I find my creative juices stifled and my sense of security often on the edge. As a self proclaimed homebody, decorating it is how I express myself - currently a hunger that goes unfed! My storage space (and my neighbors garage) is a collection full of art and furniture I hope to soon reveal; things for my new kitchen, dining and living room with no idea how any of it will match. An eclectic little collage of things I love....for every room except a nursery.

Our modest house is basically now a bedroom and a half since restructuring the old floor plan. When guests stop by to see our building progress, I present the smallest room as my office.....or nursery my voice will trail. I try to avoid letting my brain go there. I do not want to set myself up for heartbreak - creating the baby room of my dreams with no signs of baby-to-be. But the nester inside me does not always keep those wanderings at bay.

..and so I am inspired by the robin and her eggs. I love the metaphor as I also prepare a home with love in shades of blues, greens, browns and taupe. As I flip through magazine clippings in my worn "Inspiration Folder" I see reference of this color and hints of 'bird style' with a modern twist. My own teal dishes and accents begging to come out of the closet to help me hearken the warm weather to brighten my day.

So as I decorate my "office" I will keep these things in mind and cautiously create a space that can easily convert into a nursery. ;)



VS.

G is for Genetics

Todd carries the good looking genes between us. My nieces and nephews are all absolutely gorgeous with high cheek bones and dark eyelashes - all sharing something strikingly Reuscher between them. Of course the priority is to have a happy and healthy child, but I have to wonder: What will my baby look like?

While very unscientific, this link has been fun and good for some laughs between us - check it out: http://makemebabies.com

Here is what our baby girl will look like. Love that hair! ;)










It's a boy!??! I think he looks suspiciously like Benjamin Button. What baby has a full set of teeth?!?








So then the fun REALLY began (or I am just bored today)...


I like to call this one Little "WhoNeedsBradAnyway". I would put a duck on my head, too!








But I have to admit I am a bit frightened most by Little "AngelinaWho". YIKES!








For those of you with kids already - see how close it gets to the real thing and share! So fun ;)