We were so sure that our little firework was a keeper. We had committed to three IUIs and this would be our charm. I prayed earnestly and with excitement. But it again, was not His will.
And so I've been going through the motions every since.
Wake up. Work. Smile. Sleep - a lot. Repeat.
It wasn't too long ago that I was on the brink of where I now stand. When a happy song made me turn the channel. When I resented the successes of others. When I allowed my heart to go cold.
My husband, my rock with whom I lean on so heavily, also seems to be in a dark place.
Wake up. Work. No smile. Sleep - barely. Repeat.
With other stresses in our lives continuing to mound up to unsurpassable heights, there is a great divide between us - just waiting for the avalanche. One thing we do know, we are solid and refuse to crumble, even when you can feel the weight in the air breathed between us.
I still talk to God. I know he is with me now and has never left my side. I mostly don't know what to say, but he's worked on me so hard in the past year and I'm not about to let what's built of our relationship thus far slide. But honestly, I'm not allowing him to push me forward.
I only discovered Family Life Radio a few months ago and have found I can find the words to pray through music. Like a Hallmark card that says all the things you wished you could say. And like the isles of the card shop, I find myself pilfering through the racks to pull myself through a rollercoaster of emotions.
Some songs I put back. Some I keep. Some I think I'll remember. Most I forget.
One such song is "Blessings" (by Laura Story). I heard it 4 days ago and it brought me to my knees. I only listen to the radio in my car and since I work from home, I'm not often driving. The mere fact that I was in my car this day is by God's grace after receiving a call from my husband that his brakes had seized on his way home from work, and could I come pick him up.
"...We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from your word is not enough. And all the while, you hear each desperate plea. And long that we'd have faith to just believe..."
I've come to recognize that tugging on my heart, those waterworks. I literally pulled to the side of the road, got out of the car, and knelt down beside it - a short wretched cry and a thanks. Then got back in my car and picked up my husband in silence.
I had good intentions of looking up the song later. Of downloading it and of looking up the lyrics. But then I slept. Woke up. Worked. Repeat.
It wasn't until a day after that, someone had posted a message on Facebook about seeing the blessings in those events that appear to be against us or in punishment. And only then did it hit me - me of all people, whom has been scooped up by angels off the highway of near-death before - that what seems like just another expensive inconvenience might very well be another miracle. You see, we had known there was a rumbling in the front wheels for some time and my husband had gone to a mechanic for the bad news on a price quote to fix it just days before. Knowing we didn't have the money for immediate repairs and that he wouldn't stop driving the heap, God stopped him before he got on the highway where the damage may have cost us far more.
"...What if your blessings come through rain drops. What if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise..."
Blessings.
A day later, I was surfing mindlessly on my Instagram feed when I saw a post that caught my eye from my own company, Nerium International. I clicked on the woman tagged and was led to her blog. A fellow Brand Partner, I watched her video story, closed my phone, put it down and walked away. Or so I thought.
A song began to play from my phone, now laying face-down on my counter. I listened without picking it up. It was this song. My song. It was 'Blessings'.
I was led there, in that small moment, to be reminded of God and of his blessings, working in mysterious ways through this kind soul. To bring me BACK to my knees, where he had been missing my own soul.
I felt compelled to email Jessica and thank her for her beautiful voice, her beautiful gift to my beautifully messy heart and her beautiful rendition of this song. Her reply was that she had also been praying - that God would "open some big doors with Nerium" through which to continue to "share His goodness and give Him the glory". She said that my email was the first sign of an answered prayer, that God was showing her that "this really is happening!"
Blessings. In disguise. Who are we to question. Ever.
Have a blessed day!
