M is for Mucinex

What does Mucinex have to do with makin' babies? Funny you should ask!

Since my diagnosis of producing concrete, the remedy has been prescribed as Mucinex (not the DM) taken twice daily. It thins out the mucus when you have a head cold - why not your cervix I suppose!

The outcome? Holy rubber wet suit, Batman!

I have to admit I was skeptical. But I have now been shown the light. Given the issues post intercourse I described in yesterday's post, I was just under the impression THAT was the normal. I have been loving this! No more problems before or after the deed. Does it sound weird that I FEEL more fertile? LOL. And no more do I seem to feel 'not in the mood'. I may be forming a serious addiction to this new found over-the-counter miracle drug. It's the best little blue pill ever!

My job is easy now. I purchase a daily ovulation kit and take it from there. My witch doctor described optimal positions and methods to encourage our little swimmers to find the end of the rainbow. It could get quite hilarious on the home front this month.

C is for Cervical Concrete!

While nothing has been found to explain our infertility, the outcome of my last visit to Dr. Mooney-Smith was more voodoo than science.

I was ordered to have intercourse (presumably with my husband) no more then two hours before my appointment with the good doctor. Not a morning person in the last bit, this meant I had to wake up two hours earlier than normal while trying to look and feel sexy to fit it all in before 'poor Todd' had to leave for work. He of course did not feel put out in the least and so the sun rose with a smile for one of us!

This was all in preparation for a Postcoital Test; done as a last ditch effort to figure out what our big holdup has been. It is not a test that is often performed and is basically the only thing left when everything else checks out normal with both partners. The idea is to check my cervical mucus (CM) after sex to make sure there are sperm present and moving normally. Swabs are taken from several different places both in the vagina and cervix for comparison.

So I was mopped up while slides were prepared for the microscope and taken back to the lab. My doctor gave me a pat on the back for "my" terrific stretchiness (as if it was something i controlled). She quickly ran back to my room within a few minutes beaming - so ecstatic, in fact, that she wanted me to see for myself what she had discovered!

I felt important as I followed her back to the lab, but a bit like a voyeur spying on the little guys. There they were! I was relieved to see so many swimmers in one little area. She counted over 25 with 80% of those being viable! But as hard as they tried to move, they just couldn't....forever stuck in the quicksand that my body produces. What she found was that my CM is more like CC (cervical concrete)!

While this may sound odd to most, I always suspected something awry. It's not something you discuss with your girlfriends - comparing post intercourse messes, that is...and I guess that is why it was easy to believe the first doctor who told us that it was Todd who had 'lazy sperm'. But I 'secretly' knew better. Unfortunately, I did not meet my husband as a virgin and I had experienced that same 'mess' with others after sex. It's like my body not only physically rejected any outside fluids..lol...but made efforts to push it right back out!

So what voodoo do my doc do tell for me to do? Take medicine - have intercourse on my head and do a little dance afterwards. Seriously....

No News...

No news is good news, right?

Not in this case. No news is well....simply no news.

The urologist called left a voicemail that basically said nothing is wrong - sending us back to square one. We still need to get the files sent over to my doctor and confirm that the message was, indeed, based on the correct results. We are pretty much scratching our heads in disbelief that they are really are!

Sure could use..a little GOOD news today! In the meantime, there are no shortages of laughs in the cartoon section :)

The Male Biological Clock..TICKING!

I have no clever words or funny perspectives on Todd's initial exam results from the Urologist. Ok...maybe just a few sarcastic innuendos to keep it real. But if anybody knows him at all, this sure does explain a lot!

Todd has been diagnosed as having Varicoles. While not fatal or even rare, it makes total sense. He described it to me as a 'vein sack' much like your everyday varicose veins prevalent in the legs of many women. He reported, rather unscientifically, that this condition if coupled with low motility means that he is infertile.

Typical of most, I am not one to take my husband's word for the gospel. So I did what any educated wife would to and consulted Google search...the bible of all factual, current and worldly knowledge. While his generalities were correct according to MedTerms - there is certainly more to the story.

Varicoceles can develop after puberty but is not usually detected until undergoing said evaluation for the reason of suspect fertility problems. They are common and found in nearly 15% of all men. Out of those, it accounts for up to 40% of all male subfertility cases. Get this...a whopping 81% of men are diagnosed even after fathering their first child. This is because, over time, the little buggers lead to the deterioration of fertility.

This is what happens: the blood flow gets stuck in this veiny mass positioned right inside the cord that produces sperm. So the blood fails to effectively pump back up towards the heart. This raises the temperature in the testes causing either malformations of the sperm ...or just really lazy ones. Who can blame them! It must be 1000000 degrees down there!

This is why it now all makes sense. If you have ever been on any kind of a roadtrip or spent even just an evening with Todd, you will bear witness to his sudden and hilarious outbursts of "Is it HOT in here?!?! It's HOT in here!!!!" whereas he proceeds (if in the company of very close friends and family) to open up his sweat pants, shorts, or jeans thereof to get some air. We lovingly call him "Sweaty Balls". I'm sure he will be thrilled that I am now telling the world!

So what does this mean? Well, there are treatments that offer varying hope for success, but now appear to be unavoidable. Outpatient surgery is required with about a week of downtime before returning to work on light duty. Repair has been reported to significantly improve fertility function in 60%-80% of men. This is great news! The more unfortunately statistic I found was that only about 44% of those successes result in unassisted pregnancy after a year and 77% after two years. At our age...we are fighting against the clock already!

Back to Normal

My blood test results are in. I should be thrilled! But I have more questions than answers now.

I received a little postcard in the mail with a box checked "normal" on it - mixed in with my NY&CO discount postcard and a reminder card from the donation curb pickup. I needed a bit more pomp and circumstance for my blood results. Like confetti and balloons popping out of my mailbox like it does when you get a birthday invitation from Disney on TV! I feel so cheated. ;)

How can I be normal?!?! (insert lame jokes here) I've got my own boxes to check:

• Hairiest woman on the planet. CHECK!
• Uterine fibroids in my retroverted uterus (not so magnificent AFTER ALL, HUH!) CHECK!
• Raging PMS. Think Mommy Dearest on a good day. CHECK!
• Painful Periods. I cannot even describe. CHECK!
  
• The sex drive of a sloth. CHECK!
• Bladder infections like most people get a head cold. CHECK!
• Horrible skin. CHECK!
• A permanent front butt due to constant bloating and water retention. COOL! CHECK!
• General lack of energy and constant anxiety. Man I rock! CHECK!

I even tried to pee on a stick for three months straight, taking my temperature and trying to track my ovulation. Nothing every changed colors and my temp never changed to any degree or pattern. The only way I knew I was laying an egg was the pain I always feel while my body tries to squeeze one through my tubes. Technically called mittelschmerz.

These are things most of us live with at one time or another and are very good signs of a hormone imbalance when combined and with extreme symptoms. I just thought this was the way things were supposed to be until my doctor corrected me - giving me hope that my whole world could change with the simple popping of some designer pills.

And so continues the saga as my reasons for not conceiving are dwindling. Back to being normal! I think I'll go spend that NY&CO coupon and gather some clothes to donate now.

I Believe

I believe I was pregnant once.

I have no proof, though I tried to get answers at the time. I did not miss my period. In fact, most things were regular despite being a few more days late than typical for me. My cycles are very short and this one probably would have been considered average for many being at just about 34 days. I woke up on a Saturday morning with more pain than usual and was complaining because my normal 3 days was turning into 6 days. I knew something was odd that day with some weird spotting and discoloration, but didn't think much of it after tossing back a handful of Midol and going back to bed.

Todd had kissed me goodbye before leaving for work or golf or something that morning. When I finally got my lazy self out of bed and into the shower, my stomach felt a bit nauseous and I became light headed. Enough to make me take pause and brace myself against the wall. (If you have a light stomach yourself, you might want to skip down to the end!) A small 'chunk' came out of me, for lack of a better word. I picked it up and rinsed it off. VERY strange. About 2-3 inches long, solid by very pliable, curved, having a cloudy transparency with just a bunch of 'strings' or membranes hanging or growing from it. Almost a tail-like ending. This was not your common clot or debris.

Now I am no doctor and I am too dumb to be scared. I was actually excited and just had a feeling. I called my mom to get her opinion and she told me to keep it in a ziploc bag and call the doctor on Monday. So I did.

Liberty Clinic. Dr. Christine Nadeau. Her office full of photos of her first baby from which she had recently returned to work after maternity leave. A few more Polaroids stuck to the cabinets of babies she had helped deliver. When it was my turn, she not only would not look at the contents in my baggie, she laughed in an uncomfortable disgust and asked me to throw it in the trash next to her. Nothing more. No clinical explanation or suggestion that 'chunks' were normal.

Now I am not an overly dramatic person and I keep my reactions and feelings inside to a fault when something greatly upsets me. I thought it was weird, too, for taking in a saved unknown specimen like a kindergarten show-n-tell! I almost cancelled the appointment twice! I was embarassed to be sitting there, but never expected my doctor to make me feel even worse.

I had spent the last two days contemplating the thought of starting a family and was ready to move forward. My husband had always been ready. So when I could finally find my own voice, I asked her if there were any tests she could give me or anybody she could recommend that may specialize in fertility. She ordered her nurse to give me a pregnancy test and send me to the referral desk. My blood test came back inconclusive.

I believe this gives me hope.

Gimme an M! Gooooo MAMMOGRAM!

I believe I have completed my first round of testing. Every fluid, nook and cranny has sucked up, gawked at and felt up. I am not one to be terribly shy at this point in life. And I'm reminded that every test gets us closer to an answer!

The first of these tests was a simple mammogram. I am now officially a member of, as my friend and founder of our Breast Cancer 3Day team Raelyn says, the REAL team FRESHLY SQUEEZED! A very elite group, I must say. I recommend EVERYONE join - quick!

I was first relieved to find out that my insurance paid for the mammogram. While private insurances are now required to pay in in accordance with the current American Cancer Society guidelines for screening, I was suprised that I was covered for one exam between ages 35-40. The Komen Foundation often holds free and/or low cost mammogram events for those whom are uninsured or underinsursured as well. Click here for more info. There are no excuses anymore, ladies!

At any rate, I was caught off guard at how emotional I became...as I do anytime...and as I do now...when reminded of my dear friend (and many of your's) Laura Plunkett. Thoughts of her so often creep into my heart and make me smile! (Please check out the link to her blog for a glimpse into her amazing legacy in my favorites column!)

The mammography itself was not nearly as horrible as I expected. Here is a handy little link should you have questions.

The technician, Margaret, was great (dare I say magnificent?!?!). She was not overly sappy sweet. She was a bit of a tomboy with some girly flair. She did not treat my newbie self like a child or talk down to me nor was she overly clinical. She was respectful and very matter-of-fact without being distant - keeping my tears at bay that kept threatening to break the Eyelid Dam.

The changing room was a small but comfortable little space with tasteful wallpaper and the most current magazines to read...though my wait was not so much that I needed entertained. The exam room itself was also pleasant. All of it had a fresh smell. Somebody was obsessed with Febreeze apparently. I could appreciate the few personal and homey touches with tasteful pink ribbon decor sprikled throughout.

Just as the jaws of life came down upon me, I thought again of Laura. I think she was there with me. Walking me through it in words I could hear like the whisper of an angel, strung together in a style distinctly hers. Not overly sappy sweet with a bit of tomboy girliness - never talking down to me or being overly clinical. Just very matter-of-fact and very close as friends should be. Yep....she was there.

M is for Magnificent

Did I mention that I love my new Gyno?

I lucked out when my finger landed on her name as the meeny to my miney-mo from a list of network providers. Her name is Patricia Mooney-Smith at Heartland Women's Clinic in the NKC Pavillion.

During our first meeting, she glided into my room and the energy around her immediately changed. Her eyes lit up when she spoke. And she she listened - REALLY listened and became increasingly and genuinely excited as I explained to her why I was there. I have convinced myself that it was my circumstance and not the exam she was about to perform that aroused her so.

Once on the gurney with my feet placed stragically aligned to the Betty Boop foot straps - all spread eagle and talking about the warm weather that day like it was the most natural thing to do in front of a total stranger - she exclaimed, "You have a magnificent uterus!". Wow. I may not have fame or fortune in my life, but I have a MAGNIFICENT uterus. It's something I suppose.

Once back in my street clothes and ironically feeling more exposed than ever, she reported all the clinical things to which she is required and gave me orders for testing and explained what each one was for. She then reached over and touched my my hand with pause. "I want to ask you to hang with me for the next three months. We will figure this out together and I want to head into this with all the ammunition I have. Will you hang with me?".

She is also magnificent.