Seeing Red

Ok, I might be going through an identity crisis with this new baby thing. Some might see it as acting out, as searching, as reaching - but I prefer to interpret my actions as brave.

That's right. BRAVE.

Finally, at 41 years old and after having a major mortality-checking life event shake all the cobwebs out down to my core, I feel BRAVE. Bold. Daring. Strong. Spunky!

And lately, every time something small happens that makes me ultra-aware of my own fragility, well, I just remind myself that I am still in control. That God molded me as a creative individual with free will and a free spirit, and as long as my spirit dwells in his (and remember that...ahem...HE is REALLY in control here) - then he's cool with expression!

OK, I'm reaching there. What I wanted to voice this time was red. Poetic as it might seem, one thing just led to another...

Bean

Bella (my 80 lb. German Shepherd) and I were playing lazily on the bed last Thursday night. She likes to talk (a lot), so it would be rude of me not to talk back. The conversation turned to me tugging at her poor teddy bear and telling her she needed a real baby to cuddle and protect.

"Belly-Bean need a Jelly-Bean?" I asked. That's one of my nicknames for her: Belly Bean or just Bean.

From then on, I couldn't get it out of my mind. While I miss my Nugget, I'm ready to try for Jelly Bean.

Hope Does Float (and stings a little, too!)

Acknowledging loss after my miscarriage was important to me. 

I experienced most of the mourning process alone and worked through it so quickly - too quickly - squeezing in rides on the emotional and hormonal roller coaster between rides on Southwest and United Airlines. Work obligations monopolized my time and lonely hotel rooms occupied my space. As the dust began to settle, I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt like a fake. 

Join the Crowd

Crowdfunding.

A term I hadn't related to baby-making until just this week. I had participated by donating to others without being aware that it had a name or that it was a thing. I thought it was something a start-up might do to get investors to buy into their business. I even thought there was something illegal about it!

If this sounds like you, join the crowd.

In literal terms, crowdfunding or crowd sourcing is the collection of funds through small contributions made by many parties in order to reach a set financial goal for a particular venture. Wikipedia describes it as the collective effort of individuals who network and pool their money, usually via the internet, to support initiatives by other people.

It's fundraising. It's asking for donations. UGH.

Forcing Happy

I'm sad.

More than I think I even realized. My January flew by in such a whirlwind of surprises, of work, of travel...that I was able to push my sadness aside until I had time to really feel it.

I think it's important to feel it. To get to know it. To embrace it, even. But then, how to push the reset button?

How do I not get stuck. in. sadness.

Honestly, I can't remember how I felt before I got the news I was pregnant. I am left so raw from the sheer unfairness of events that followed that I've been too bruised to fight, to wage war against the sadness that eventually creeps in.

Finding Joy

 

“Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4

Not being a morning person in the least, I prepared myself for an 8:00 a.m. doctor appointment by throwing on a hat and some lipgloss and driving to the office without much fanfare, feeling somewhat anxious of the unknown. I was suddenly struck with the notion that I was rushing the process, like my body and soul still needed to heal; but Father Time kept poking me...reminding me that my biological clock was about to expire.  It seemed the more I opened myself up to HOPE, the more doubt was creeping in.

Quick prayer.

I walked into the waiting room; it was small...no, intimate and warm. There was another patient already at the reception window and my positive momentum hesitated for a moment. When it was my turn, I hopped up from the chair I had strategically claimed and placed the magazine I was pretending to read on the table beside it. As I walked up to the counter, I secretly wished I had done something to my hair and put more effort into my selection of sweatpants.

Suck it up, slob.

And then it happened. I found joy. No really...I found JOY! She was smiling her always infectious and huge dimpled grin and her bright blue eyes looked at me in equal surprise. "Gina!", she exclaimed! My guard was let down and my fear simply disappeared. Joy, a friend from high school, had literally been placed in my journey.

God places angels among us everywhere.

When facing a hardship, no matter how big or how small, don't quit yourself. Keep your eye on the prize and stay the path in faith - for there, your JOY will be found!

Even if He does not...

I am today reminded of a Bible story about King Nebuchadnezzar. You might remember variations in the story of Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego in the fiery furnace.

Long story short, the king had erected a statue in his image and made his people bow to worship it in a public ceremony. Three men of God refused and were punished by being cast into a fiery furnace, emerging unscathed without even the smell of smoke.

Or was it the story of Daniel and the lion's den? I can't remember. Both were terrifying encounters to a kiddo and both are from the book of Daniel with similar endings. This one of a man of God thrown into a pit of lions for continuing to pray after being told by a King not to; again, coming out of the ordeal without even a scratch.