Enough

Nobody wants to leave this earth without having a meaningful life. One that fulfilled a hope, a dream or a purpose. One that mattered.

Even more than that, we want to leave behind a legacy; to have made an impact that lasts long after we're gone. For some, that's by living in the hearts and souls of their children and their children after them. For some it is much more.

For me, it's a struggle of self. I bounce between feeling lost and alone to trusting there is something amazing about to happen. As the only child in a childless home, I'm faced with the mortality of my existence on a daily basis.

When it comes to being a mother, in one breath I envy them - all of them; their purpose so obviously defined and the reward so easily included while in the next breath, I feel sorry for those who don't look outside of their own children to build a legacy. Successful and happy children are the product of the job we are required to do in answer to a blessing from God, not something above and beyond as a result of realizing the true gift we were given to share with the world.  But who am I to decide or judge or even have an opinion here.

In the midst of all this philosophizing, my husband and I went to see "The Fault in Our Stars", the story of two teenagers who met at a cancer support group and share a love that sweeps them on a miraculous, heart-wrenching and soul-searching journey.

When the curtain closed, both of us were spent. We sat there stunned and wrapped in our own thoughts. Long after the credits rolled, we were still there. Then Todd spoke. And as he always does, he told me how much he loves me and while he doesn't show it much, he told me about how he smiles and is overwhelmed sometimes when I'm not looking.  Wow.

And me?  I was struck with the realization that in all my searching and giving up, in bouncing back and falling down again, I've ignored the obvious. That my life does matter. It may not matter wide...but it matters deep. It matters to him.

I heard Todd's voice in that of Hazel when she tries to impress the fact to Gus that he has had a major impact on other people. "I just want to be enough for you, but I never can be. This can never be enough for you. But this is all you get. You get me, and your family and this world. This is your life. And it should be enough."

I may not have the kind of life that inspires a book-turned-movie and I may never get a life full of a child's laughter and tears, of growing up and growing old - but I have him. He matters to me and for some reason and somehow, he sees me as important and enough.

I love this man.

My Skewed Perception of Inception

I just saw "Inception".   

This is my kind of flick; "The Matrix" meets "Romeo and Juliet" of sorts that suddenly swan dives into the subconscious with mind-bending and soul-bearing power.  What does this have to do with babies and my journey thereof?  Maybe it's in the realm between reality and dreams - but it moved me in a way I can't stop thinking about.  I'm also pretty sure I was the only one leaving the theater in utter tears!

The main character was trapped.  Trapped in a life of running, trapped within his own mind and trapped in the past.  The thing that set him free and kept him alive (in one dimension or another anyway) was a memory of his children.  They were the light that guided him through all the darkness as he fought to find his way back to them.  We are unable to see their sweet faces throughout the film as a reflection of what their father is able to recall.  We find out later that there is a pivotal moment that could have provided closure and a better snapshot of this memory.  It turns out to be his biggest regret.  To know the moment you made a wrong choice - a choice that you will regret for the rest of your life; the combination of themes (out of SO many in the movie) was on that tugs at my heart.

I found myself also searching for those tow-headed fictional children on the big screen; for their light and for my purpose. 

B is for: BABIES!

While the movie progressed a bit too slowly in some places to completely hold my attention for 80 minutes, anybody who has ever had one or loves the sound of their coos and even cries can't help but be enamored by "Babies". The cute factor alone had me at Goo Goo Ga Ga.

There is no commentary, no narration, no interruption, no real sense of time; just the day in and day out of the life as a baby from the mundane to the little victories and milestones. I almost stood in the theater and cheered when one of the little boys FINALLY stood by himself (behind all of the others) with the wind in his fuzzy (and big!) hair like the ruler of his own little grass hut kingdom. I wanted to yell out, "NAAACHOOOOOOO!!!!"









Some are surprised by the intimacy of the scenes and approximation of the cameras as they captured the very essence of familial life by following four babies from different parts of the world through their first 18 months. Some are shocked and feel the documentary exploits a global economic imbalance. Others comment on the lack of obvious similarities that all cultures and all mothers and all babies share; and the natural development and evolution thereof.

I, personally, did not need an outlined cheat sheet to connect-the-dots nor a talking GPS roadmap to fully enjoy the journey. I think the beauty was in the inference and the simplicity of it all and I remain comforted in the confirmation that all any of us ever need - from birth through adulthood really - to grow and reach within our own innate will to be happy and to survive; to find the BIG personalities in all of our LITTLE persons...is love.

Besides - baby cheeks just make me want to smile. How about you?